by Douglas Slayton
The penny has long been a mystery. The penny's original purpose has nearly been forgotten. These days, they are more closely associated with self defense and pigeon control than their original purpose: currency. Long gone are the days of candies, movies, cars, spaghetti and all the other daily necessities that would be paid for with pennies. The penny, once the basic unit of cost for all things, is now disgraced due to smear campaigns by reality television personalities and talking vacuums. But even with all of this hate, the stalwart copper piece bearing the likeness of some old white guy with a beard1 because of one secret that no one will talk about anymore.
The penny has long been a mystery. The penny's original purpose has nearly been forgotten. These days, they are more closely associated with self defense and pigeon control than their original purpose: currency. Long gone are the days of candies, movies, cars, spaghetti and all the other daily necessities that would be paid for with pennies. The penny, once the basic unit of cost for all things, is now disgraced due to smear campaigns by reality television personalities and talking vacuums. But even with all of this hate, the stalwart copper piece bearing the likeness of some old white guy with a beard1 because of one secret that no one will talk about anymore.
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| President Fred Breining |
Pennies are alive.
I am putting myself at great personal risk for speaking these words aloud to the person I have hired to type everything I say for my eventual memoir,2 but change will not come until someone speaks up. Pennies are not made of copper; they are single celled organisms bred in a secret compound in Rhode Island.
Pennies have been on Earth longer than humans, shaping history for their own purposes. Secretly desiring a "society" in which they were the focus of all things, they shepherded humanity—the only creatures with thumbs who were self important enough to think anything they created has value—to "dominance". Most of the world rejected their siren song, because fuck Pennies. They are stupid and taste awful. But the European settlers who found the Penny breeding pools when they landed on what would eventually be the United State really fucking fell for it, because they were dumb as shit.
These humans were not in control of their own destinies—mostly because they were hella dumb and wanted to impress these tiny fucks who wouldn't shut the hell up. Humans are inherently selfish and irresponsible. They have done many terrible, awful things: war, dance, television, Jell-O, furniture, space exploration. But humans are lead largely by the tiny sounds that emanate from their pockets. These are the Pennies leading us to a society where they are all that matter. But like all science experiments,3 humanity grew too out of control for the Pennies to retain their position of prominence.
Thomas Edison, history's greatest monster, created a series of objects that added low level humming into the daily lives of humans. That humming cancelled out sound of the Pennies, and most people have forgotten the tiny sounds they made. The breeding pits in Rhode Island still exist because we have no idea how to stop their breeding. Several attempts have been made to cover them up with concrete but the darkness only makes them grow faster.
Pennies remain as a reminder that we are dumb dumbs and are all going to die because we can’t control our own lives without some shitty living coin telling us what to do.
1 Your uncle? I don’t remember his name. If you do, please write to your local congressperson. Waste someone elses time for once, you ingrates.↩ 2 Bury Me Where I Stand Because I Can’t Stand Myself: a Life Unlived.↩ 3 Space exploration, am I right?↩
1 Your uncle? I don’t remember his name. If you do, please write to your local congressperson. Waste someone elses time for once, you ingrates.↩ 2 Bury Me Where I Stand Because I Can’t Stand Myself: a Life Unlived.↩ 3 Space exploration, am I right?↩
Douglas Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.