Your Horoscope, January 2017, Explained?

by Lauren Drayer

It’s that time of year again. December: when people gather and prepare to be nice to one another for a night and most of the next day. And, to send us off into the merry season, Usher and Young Thug have taken it upon themselves to remind us of the following: there are no limits to the fun we could be having this month, next month, all year, all day every day. Except it’s a lie. Some of us are not going to start the New Year with glee or whatever else people with hope and strong resolutions feel. 2017 will blow hard for a select few: Pisces, Scorpios, and everyone else, actually, in no particular order. A detailed analysis follows:

Aquarius: You will suffer. In January, Jupiter will pivot on a different meridian every twenty-eleventh hour, obviously disrupting our moon’s spin cycle. As a result, every third-and-a-fourth day, the moon will force the oceans’ currents into an increasingly concentric, semifluid, and geometrized flow that will broil your soul via low emitting alphanumeric radio waves. This soul broiling will cause you headaches. Having headaches will cause you to suffer from choleric humors. You are going to have a grumpy January. 

Pisces: You will suffer a little less than Aquariuses (Aquarii?!). Jupiter doesn’t affect you, so thank goodness for that. However, Pisces like romance, and what is going to happen to you will be very meaningful with regards to this trait. You will meet a woman on a wooden-floored pathway near a body of water on a day of the week that you usually hate. She will predict that you will meet the love of your life in February. The fortune-teller will have wrinkles and long, white, expertly manicured eyebrows, so you will be somewhat dubious but willing to believe—she reminds you of a relative. She will feel for the veins on your ankle, and, finding none, will tell you the love interest is definitely a Peruvian citizen. You have your eyes set on that Norwegian person though, so you will be confused for the rest of January.

Aries: You sound like an air sign, but society dictates that you are actually a fire sign. You will spend all of January looking for evidence that your sign is misclassified. To assist your search, Jupiter’s Brownian meridian spin will open up your third eye momentarily on a Thursday. This will allow you to examine your problem from all sorts of vantage points. Also, stay away from BART between 7:00 am and 8:00 am. Every day. At those times Venus is in its second rendering, which will make you susceptible to germs. 

Taurus: You will get extra possessive in January. You won’t let your boss use your post-its and you will get demoted. If you’re unemployed, ignore the message and work on your résumé. Jupiter won’t help you much because, like Pisces, you are immune. But Mars will enter geothermal rejuvenation around January 12, and exit the mutational phase on January 22 at 2:00 pm. During this time frame, you will feel less self-conscious about your ridiculous and outdated political views. Still, don’t share those views with anyone until the moon settles into its retrograde, forward-waxing house. At that point, sometime in March, nobody will care about you anymore anyways.

Gemini: If you are right-handed, beware. My vision isn’t clear, but I feel like right-handed Geminis will just need to be on the lookout. But, what for? As Saturn glides into first position, my January forecast for this Zodiac sign becomes unreliable. Or, more unreliable than usual. So, no further comments. Just beware. 

Cancer: As a people, you do not like it when others criticize your moms. Sadly—and again, because of Jupiter’s upsetting, unconventional gyrations—January will send all other Zodiac signs into a critical frenzy. Cancers! Your mothers will be judged. But don’t worry. A benevolent Methuselah will enter your fifth astrological chamber around January 16, momentarily eclipsing the moon for 53 seconds, and during that time your general sadness will become less acute. 

LeoVirgoLibraScorpioSagittariusCapricorn: Just substitute your sign for any other sign mentioned above. Whatever seems least sucky to you. 

You can reach me for personal guidance and horoscopic intelligence telepathically. Please, no solicitors.

Lauren Drayer lives in a small town and thusly writes about small topics.

Hillary Clinton and Millennial Contempt

by Chris Alarie

Recent polls show a tightening of the presidential race between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. But rather than Trump poaching voters from Clinton, the race is closer now largely because significant segments of voters are choosing to back third (and fourth) party candidates Gary Johnson, a Libertarian, and Jill Stein, of the Green Party. Four-way polls consistently show that these two candidates draw more support away from Clinton than they do from Trump. Interestingly, Johnson and Stein both find high levels of support from millennials, voters age 18 to 29. Clinton's problem with younger voters and the way that she and her supporters respond to it demonstrates a larger problem within the Democratic Party and our society as a whole: the mutually reinforcing contempt between Baby Boomers and millennials.

The Democratic primary contest between Clinton and Bernie Sanders was much closer than Clinton and her allies within party leadership expected thanks in large part to millennial voters' strong preference for Sanders over Clinton. While Clinton eventually won the nomination,¹ she has struggled to win the support of those young voters. Even Clinton's vaunted and all important advantage with non-white voters is significantly less pronounced with young minorities. Her message from the primary that she is the most experienced candidate did not register with a generation that has come of age in an era where the consequences of the economic failures of the Baby Boomer generation have fallen hardest on the youngest cohort. Indeed, Clinton's decades of experience may be more of a burden than a boon in her efforts to connect with millennials. Young voters see her as a part of the corrupt political and business establishment that wrecked the economy and housing market just as the millennials began to graduate from college. Her close ties to the finance industry and her penchant for raking in corporate speaking fees do not help matters.² These sorts of qualities are not appealing to young voters. In a Harvard IOP poll conducted late last year, voters between the ages of 18 and 29 put significantly more value in "integrity", "level-headedness", and "authenticity" than either business or political experience as the most important qualities for a presidential candidate. Simply put, millennials do not trust Hillary Clinton.

Since she clinched the Democratic nomination, Clinton has made some efforts to appeal to young voters. But she has mostly waged her general election campaign under the seeming assumption that millennial voters—who are more progressive than previous generations, dislike Donald Trump much more than they dislike her, and have overwhelmingly supported Barack Obama—will come around eventually. Indeed, if she paid any heed to millennial concerns about her lack of trustworthiness and long standing connections to wealthy elites, she likely would not have spent the better part of the late summer fundraising from those elites at private events. However, these recent poll numbers indicate that Clinton erred in her assumption and millennials are not, in fact, coming around. Clinton's supporters are not happy about this development. But rather than express frustration with their candidate for failing to pay anything other than lip service to the concerns of young voters, Clinton supporters have taken a different tack—one that is generally common among Baby Boomers on a whole number of subjects: blaming the millennials themselves.

A tweet from Mother Jones co-editor Clara Jeffery is representative of the response by older Clinton supporters³ to these recent polls:

i have never hated millennials more https://t.co/q042TC2Lul pic.twitter.com/zHoqYJ2UwO

— Clara Jeffery (@ClaraJeffery) September 15, 2016

Some frustration on the part of Clinton supporters is understandable. Clinton, for all her serious flaws, is nowhere near as bad as the rolling disaster and looming existential threat that is Donald Trump. And Clinton supporters can make the case that their candidate has made a genuine attempt to address millennial concerns with her domestic policy agenda. But this response, in addition to being so obviously condescending, completely misunderstands the situation. Sure Clinton has made some small effort to appease millennials with her genuinely progressive domestic policies. But by continuing to comport herself as the ultimate, experienced insider, she is completely ignoring the central issue of her trustworthiness that is so important to those voters. Also, by assuming that millennials will consolidate behind her now that she is the Democratic nominee overestimates how significant party loyalty is to a generation that generally prefers to eschew the sorts of identifiers and labels that matter so much to Boomers and Generation X. Clinton's overreliance on the threat of Donald Trump's near guarantee of chaos and her championing of herself as the solemn, serious defender of the status quo ignores how badly the status quo has been for young people. Millennials supported Bernie Sanders because he was genuine, trustworthy, and revolutionary. Hillary Clinton has made no effort to be any of those things yet she still expects those same voters to support her. In reality, she is actively pushing young voters toward two candidates even more flawed than she by refusing to take any of young voters' concerns seriously

This follows a typical pattern of interactions between Boomers and millennials on any of a number of subjects. Boomers, by the virtue of antecedence, are in large part responsible for the conditions of the world that the millennials are in the process of inheriting. For a whole host of reasons, the Boomers have been far less than satisfactory in their role in this process. When millennials offer criticism, the Boomers actively ignore the concerns of millennials, belittle them, and complain about how different they are from how the Boomers were at a similar stage in their generational development, all the while refusing to acknowledge their own dramatic failings. It has even led to a laughably terrible journalistic genre known as "Millennial Bashing". This is, essentially, what Clinton, her Boomer supporters, and her campaign surrogates have done throughout the election. And while it is ultimately unlikely to cost her the election, it is at least putting it at risk. It also leads me to wonder if there is a looming generation schism within the Democratic party and progressive politics in general.

One of Clinton's more pathetic attempts to pander to younger voters is her campaign's laughably out of touch use of memes and internet culture.⁴ Perhaps the meme researchers on her campaign need to familiarize themselves with Old Economy Steven. In this meme, a photo of a teenaged Baby Boomer from the early 1970s is overlaid with, at the top, a typical Boomer complaint about millennials and, at the bottom, some assertion demonstrating either how much easier it was for Boomers when they were young or how badly they have failed the younger generation in the intervening years. It is, as Kevin Roose and Stefan Becket write, a "wry commentary on the way today’s young people struggle with student debt, unemployment, and other recession-era economic concerns, only to be described as lazy and entitled by members of an earlier, luckier generation." It is also the meme that far and away best represents how millennials and Hillary Clinton view each other. Were she to adopt it, it would likely be one of the first times that younger voters could feel that she is being authentic. That honesty alone would not be enough for her to garner their support, but perhaps it would be a first step toward the candidate acknowledging the concerns of a crucial segment of her electorate.

Chris Alarie is Spectacular Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

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1 And the endorsement of Senator Sanders.^↩
2 Nor does her reluctance to divulge the content of her speeches.^↩
3 Born in in 1967, Jeffery is actually right on the cusp between Boomers and Generation X. But her attitude fits squarely within the typical Boomer view of millennials.^↩
4 Both Gary Johnson and Jill Stein have made similarly pathetic attempts to glom onto meme culture. Trump, on the other hand, has been adopted by a particular sector of the internet with a love of both frog memes and white nationalism.^↩

The Perfect Pizza

by Lauren Drayer

Whether you are a supertaster (someone with high tongue papillae density) or a subtaster (someone with a subpar tongue), you have experienced the Perfect Pizza. It was the ideal combination of hand-tossed ingredients, baked at the ideal temperature for the optimal amount of time, and placed on your plate (or napkin…or bare hand…) exactly so many seconds after coming out of the oven (or microwave, if you’re that kind of person). If you ask around, you probably won’t find two exact descriptions of what makes the Perfect Pizza. For some people it might actually be perfect after it defrosts for fifteen minutes in the back of the car on the ride home from the grocery store. I have to remind myself that: 1) not everyone likes warm pizza, and 2) maybe eating pizza close to its frozen state preserves its vitamins.¹ In any case, it is realistically improbable that anyone will be able to create a universal Perfect Pizza, on account of the fact that everyone has unique tastes.

But, what if a chemical trick could reconcile all taste buds and we could indeed make the One Pizza everyone uniformly loved? After all, tongues are only tongues, and they can surely be tricked into believing they are tasting the best pizza ever. Something similar already exists. It is called miraculin, extracted from the miracle fruit, which grows in West Africa. Miraculin makes sourness turn into sweetness for a while, until it lets go of your papillae. But that’s not enough for our thought experiment. Miraculin might make lemons taste sweet, but the change isn’t uniform: some people will perceive the same lemon as more or less sweet, depending on their personal preferences. What we need is a chemical that will trick tongues into tasting exactly the same thing: our Perfect Pizza.

Sadly, there are many roadblocks.

For one, taste is not only about papillae. There is an element of smell as well, which would not be controlled by our synthetic taste-altering chemical. What to do? Personally I would trick the brain directly. By targeting the parietal lobe, where taste is processed, and the frontal lobe, where smell is processed, I would have total control over how people feel about my Perfect Pizza. But designing a drug with such capabilities might have even better applications. We could make Brussels sprouts taste like pizza. We could make durian smell like pizza. We could make downtown San Francisco smell like pizza. Why? Why not! I would definitely pop a pill in the morning if it helped me navigate the city without gagging until I reached the safety of my classroom. This would be a true boon to people everywhere subjected to terrible food and terrible cooking. If they could make their food taste great, the quality of their lives would improve. Think of our friends, the vegans! Think of our friends who are allergic to nuts! How awesome would it be to eat sunflower seed butter (it’s alright…) while it tasted like peanut butter (yeah!).

In many ways developing this drug would be both horribly difficult and horribly shortsighted, but I think we should focus on the good. The benefits outweigh most of the problems I was able to identify,² so we should give it a shot! Miraculin is bound to break into the market in the near future, so scientists should definitely explore the synthesis of more molecules like it. Issues of taste affect everyone, every day of their lives. I am sure it’s a project that can be monetized, which is a good reason to start any endeavor, and it would truly improve lives. On the other hand, if you could have a Perfect Pizza every night, when would it stop being perfect? After a week? A year? Then what?

Lauren Drayer lives in a small town and thusly writes about small topics.

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1 Cooking some foods does reduce their nutritional value, according to www.theproducemom.com, but I don’t know if I trust that website.^↩
2  Such as encouraging people to keep eating terrible food, since they can make it taste good^↩

Oakland's Dirty Snacks Ensemble Explores the 'Tidy Universe' on Their New Album

by Chris Alarie

"Tidy universe" seems like a contradiction in terms. After all, the universe is an unimaginably vast, chaotic, hostile place composed primarily of mysterious substances such as dark matter and dark energy. But even in this vast chaos, the laws of physics function as an underlying order. On Tidy Universe, the new album by his Dirty Snacks Ensemble, Oakland-based vibraphonist and composer Mark Clifford similarly balances order and possibility in a set of songs that explore the intersections and tensions between composition and improvisation.

Among the tags for Tidy Universe on the Dirty Snacks Ensemble's Bandcamp page is "chamber jazz". This is an apt description. Clifford—who plays vibraphone and keyboards in addition to his compositional and occasional vocal duites—and his ensemble certainly have jazz chops and the album features some impressive improvisational passages, particularly saxophonist Aram Shelton's work on the album. But Clifford's background is in composition and all of these songs¹ lean heavily on that foundation. To return to the cosmological metaphor, if the Ensemble's improvisations represent the chaos and possibilities of the universe as we observe it, Clifford's compositions are the laws of physics that dictate the shape and contour of those possibilities.²

Clifford's compositional skills are impressive and the sophisticated, multi genre songwriting is one of the most enjoyable things about Tiny Universe. Considering that Clifford's main axe is the vibes, it is unsurprising that the most immediate touchstones are late-1960s, early-1970s albums from Bobby Hutcherson and Milt Jackson, such as Now! and Sunflower. Similarly, one can hear the influence of Andrew Hill and Eric Dolphy—both of whom featured Hutcherson on some of their greatest albums. But the album also brings to mind Joni Mitchell's mid-70s fusion albums,³ Canterbury scene prog weirdos like the Soft Machine, and even Sleepytime Gorilla Museum's prettier moments. All of these influences coalesce into a collection of complex-but-catchy songs that reward repeated listens.

Clifford offers a decidedly different interpretation of the phrase "tidy universe". He explains that it comes from Carl Sagan's "Pale Blue Dot". To Clifford, it serves as an indication of earth's small position in the universe and a reminder not to worry too much about the difficulties in creating an album such as Tidy Universe.⁴ The album's cover, a painting by Austin Matthews of three hikers walking a path beneath mountain spires reaching toward toward a star-filled sky, encapsulates both interpretations of "tidy universe". A hiking excursion is not unlike the performance of a musical group such as the Dirty Snacks Ensemble. Each hiker explores his or her own path just as each musician finds his or her own way to perform their parts. But at the head of the line is their leader and at their feet is the trail on which he leads them, just as Clifford leads his ensemble through the paths of his compositions. Alternately, the image evokes the sense of one's small place in an expansive, expanding cosmos. Clifford ties the Ensemble's genesis to the canyonlands of Utah, where he draws inspiration from the "freedom [he] get[s] from feeling so small in a place that is so vast."

Tidy Universe will be available from Recollect Records and the band's Bandcamp page on June 11. The Dirty Snacks Ensemble will play a record release show for the album that evening at The Peralta Station in Oakland, California that evening.

Chris Alarie is Spectacular Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

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1 Save for the three thankfully brief "Bobby" interludes.^↩
2 I've had a number of conversations over the years with Clifford about his frustration with finding the right balance between composition and improvisation in various groups that he's played in and written for. He's found the right balance on this album by leaning more toward the composition side.^↩
3 "Peepee" is especially reminiscent of Mitchell's "The Jungle Line".^↩
4 He also says it is a bit of a playful dig at himself for being a disorganized person. Having played in a band with him for three years, I can attest to the veracity of this bit of self-criticism.^↩

Doug Explains Pennies

by Douglas Slayton


The penny has long been a mystery. The penny's original purpose has nearly been forgotten. These days, they are more closely associated with self defense and pigeon control than their original purpose: currency. Long gone are the days of candies, movies, cars, spaghetti and all the other daily necessities that would be paid for with pennies. The penny, once the basic unit of cost for all things, is now disgraced due to smear campaigns by reality television personalities and talking vacuums. But even with all of this hate, the stalwart copper piece bearing the likeness of some old white guy with a beard¹ because of one secret that no one will talk about anymore.

President Fred Breining

Pennies are alive.

I am putting myself at great personal risk for speaking these words aloud to the person I have hired to type everything I say for my eventual memoir,² but change will not come until someone speaks up. Pennies are not made of copper; they are single celled organisms bred in a secret compound in Rhode Island.

Pennies have been on Earth longer than humans, shaping history for their own purposes. Secretly desiring a "society" in which they were the focus of all things, they shepherded humanity—the only creatures with thumbs who were self important enough to think anything they created has value—to "dominance". Most of the world rejected their siren song, because fuck Pennies. They are stupid and taste awful. But the European settlers who found the Penny breeding pools when they landed on what would eventually be the United State really fucking fell for it, because they were dumb as shit.

These humans were not in control of their own destinies—mostly because they were hella dumb and wanted to impress these tiny fucks who wouldn't shut the hell up. Humans are inherently selfish and irresponsible. They have done many terrible, awful things: war, dance, television, Jell-O, furniture, space exploration. But humans are lead largely by the tiny sounds that emanate from their pockets. These are the Pennies leading us to a society where they are all that matter. But like all science experiments,³ humanity grew too out of control for the Pennies to retain their position of prominence.

Thomas Edison, history's greatest monster, created a series of objects that added low level humming into the daily lives of humans. That humming cancelled out sound of the Pennies, and most people have forgotten the tiny sounds they made. The breeding pits in Rhode Island still exist because we have no idea how to stop their breeding. Several attempts have been made to cover them up with concrete but the darkness only makes them grow faster.

Pennies remain as a reminder that we are dumb dumbs and are all going to die because we can’t control our own lives without some shitty living coin telling us what to do.

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1 Your uncle? I don’t remember his name. If you do, please write to your local congressperson. Waste someone elses time for once, you ingrates.^↩ 2 Bury Me Where I Stand Because I Can’t Stand Myself: a Life Unlived.^↩ 3 Space exploration, am I right?^↩

Douglas Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Working Hard?

by Chris Alarie

Chris Alarie is Spectacular Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Suicide Exercise

by Chris Alarie

Chris Alarie is Spectacular Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Drawings of People on Chairs

by Victor Mitrani

I was bored so I drew some people in chairs. I am not much of an artist but I'll bet you aren't either.

Victor Mitrani does not want you to think that he thinks that he's Kim Gordon or something.

Par EP TO Entities

by Daniel Alarie

Editor's Note: Dan and I had a conversation about what the experience would be like to have an experience where one's consciousness splits into two parts, spends time apart, and rejoins. Later that evening, he wrote his concept of how this would work. – Chris Alarie

Daniel Alarie lives in Santa Rosa, California.

A Formless Sort of Space

by Chris Alarie

Chris Alarie is Spectacular Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Your Official UVM Presidential Endorsement

by Chris Alarie

Many of you have been clamoring to know where Uncanny Valley Magazine stands on this year's presidential election. Please allow this to serve as our official endorsement for the 2016 presidential election.

On the one hand, it would be easy to endorse Bernie Sanders, whose sane but dramatic, left wing agenda is probably the only plausible plan that any candidate has put forth that would stand even the remotest chance of preventing America from eating itself. There is, perhaps, something understandable in endorsing widely reluctantly accepted candidate Hillary Clinton, as she is almost certainly going to be the Democratic nominee and the final line of defense against President Donald Duck Trumpet. And, of course, our general, default stance on politics is Vote 4 Doug. And we would be remiss if we did not point out that Ted Cruz still has not come right out and denied being the Zodiac Killer. But the uniquely bizarre tenor of this election, as well as the extent to which stakes that have been raised regarding the future of our country, we can truthfully only offer the following endorsement:

Voting is for Nerds.

Thank you and God bless the United States of America.

Chris Alarie is some stupid joke title affixed to Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Favorite Sports Movie

by Chris Alarie

Chris Alarie is Spectacular Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Fuck Tom Petty

by Chris Alarie

Chris Alarie is Spectacular Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Doug explains El Nino

by Douglas Slayton


When you meet some person with whom you have nothing to talk about, invariably you will talk about the weather. When you talk about the weather lately all anyone ever wants to talk about is El Nino—partly because the media is telling you that it is important and partly because no one knows what it is. Lucky for you on both counts that you clicked some anonymous link that someone has shared with you for this piece because I will now explain El Nino. And maybe that stranger will think you are cool and call you back and maybe someday you will tell your children about how you met their other parent because you read a super informative article on a blog that otherwise actively repulsed you because of its continued lack of editorial direction.

Haha. Just kidding, no one will ever love you. Let’s get to the real reason you are here though: El Nino.

We live in an exciting time. The news, like your depressed friend you keeps messaging you on Facebook when you are trying to sleep in preparation for your big quarterly financial meeting in the morning, never sleeps. Because it never sleeps, there has to be a constant stream of content. But most of the time there is not much worthy of reportage. The news wants you to think that we live in exciting times, but really we do not. Everything is boring. You really should spend less time reading things on the internet and just live your life.¹ In order to support the new 24 hour news cycle, the big wigs in New York sell all that advertising time so that you will know about the latest toothpaste breakthroughs. In order to fill this space between commercials, news anchors are trained to improvise breaking “facts”. It has lead to recent trending topics like the “election”. Easily, the biggest story to come from this practice is El Nino. It began as a simple weather broadcast in upstate New York, but spun out of control when a different weather reporter from Boston saw the broadcast while eating a burrito and said, “I can do better than that!” And did he ever. This oneupsmanship has lead to a rash of news broadcasts warning the coasts of a storm, the likes of which have not been seen in several decades (two, two decades).

Where it is undeniable that this is a BIG storm, it is smaller than the secret storms that the media has been ignoring for centuries (two, two centuries). As much as I would like to discuss the media ignoring the real issues, like other big storms and littering, I can simply say this is a case of the media bias towards certain stories over others.

This leads into why no one knows anything about El Nino: because it is a fabrication. It is a series of loosely connected storms the media is wanting to be a bigger deal than it is, so they can charge more for the advertising during the reporting.

This is a clear cut case of the media using its power to fill their pockets with gold.

Douglas Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

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1 Editor's note: this is not true. Your life is incredibly boring and the internet is infinitely more interesting. Fuck you if you think you're too good for the internet. -CA^↩

Ten Questions About the Oscars

by Alexis Faulkner

1. I spent way too much time and energy seeing movies last year to have Spotlight, a perfectly acceptable NOMINEE, win. This movie was well made and well acted, but it lacked any certain excitement. I was fully prepared to be sorely disappointed if The Martian won (I found it boring and the script in particular annoyed the crap out of me) and I found myself disappointed about not being disappointed. So, I can’t help but wonder, why did Spotlight win? What was remarkable about it and what made it stand apart from the rest of the nominees? Was is the story itself? What separated its sincere and standard directing from the inventive and quirky directing of The Big Short? What about the plot and the acting made it a better film than Mad Max?

2. Is there any way for a layperson to know the difference between sound editing and sound mixing?

3. Too many bear jokes on Twitter. This was most likely due to the fact that the bear from The Revenant was sitting in the audience. I was under the impression that the bear was totally CGI, so this came as a huge shock to me. Also, why didn’t anyone consider the post-traumatic stress that Leonardo DiCaprio might experience upon seeing this bear appear at an event that, by all accounts, was very important to him. He survived the bear attack, and was able to maintain enough sanity to continue with the rest of the film and eventually bring home an Oscar for his performance. So, I ask- why didn’t anyone recognize that it would be insensitive to invite the bear? This created to many unknowns. 

4. Literally none of the speeches were exciting and almost everyone appeared to be on too many pills, especially Ryan Gosling during his pre-show interview. While being interviewed with Russell Crowe, Gosling repeatedly waved his backstage pass at Michael Strahan, as if to say, "It's really okay that I'm back here. I have a pass!" What were they all taking? My friend suggested there may have been a bowl of Quaaludes backstage. Can anyone confirm or deny?

5. Too many children. Why are children allowed at the Oscars?

6. Chris Rock, in the middle of making several jokes about the #OscarsSoWhite controversy, basically explained that there is literally nothing else one could possibly think of to ask a woman besides what she is wearing. The clothes are the absolute priority in this situation. Fashion is, of course, a big part of the red carpet spectacle, and calling out the designers who made the clothes is completely fine, but it takes less than 30 seconds to mention a designer and their design. If Chris Rock needs help thinking of what these other questions might be, he can simply reference THE EXACT SAME QUESTIONS that men are consistently asked on the red carpet. You know, questions, say, about acting or directing or whatever other professional attributes involved in the person's attendance of the event. Rock says, 

“Another big thing tonight is — somebody told me this — you’re not allowed to ask women what they’re wearing anymore.There’s this whole thing, ‘Ask her more. You have to ask her more.’ You know it’s like, You ask the men more.Everything’s not sexism, everything’s not racism.They ask the men more because the men are all wearing the same outfits, O.K.? Every guy in there is wearing the exact same thing.You know, if George Clooney showed up with a lime green tux on, and a swan coming out his ass, somebody would go, ‘What you wearing, George?’”

Why did he make a joke that’s been made a thousand times before? And why did he pick on women to demonstrate that not everything is about discrimination?

7. How has Ennio Morricone never won an Oscar before now???????

8. Why was this year’s awards show so 90s? Why feature Dave Grohl and Toy Story? And seeing Leo and Kate together again was devastatingly nostalgic, but now the internet is flooded anew with Titanic references and it’s time we moved on to new memes.

9. Why was Joe Biden there? And why didn’t Chris Rock make any jokes about politics? WHY DID NO ONE MAKE FUN OF JOE?

10. Why did Sam Smith think that he was the first openly gay Oscar winner? 

Alexis Faulkner is Unicorn Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine

Post 100

by the Editorial Staff of Uncanny Valley Magazine

Hello everyone,

Please enjoy this list of 100 things which we made to celebrate our 100th post on the blog! Thank you and have a nice 100.

Sincerely,

Chris100, Alexis100, and Doug100

1. People with really nice hair
2. Spending too much time in the sun
3. Tiny people
4. Troublingly burnt coffee
5. Discovering you have a fortune cookie leftover
6. No, like, really, really tiny people
7. Not wanting to be a pirate
8. Walking through a puddle you didn't see because you are fucking oblivious
9. Electronic portraits of pig presidents painting pictures of pralines
10. An icicle farm
11. Spinning plates
12. Arms
13. An outrageously long line
14. Filthy pennies
15. Whey
16. Mr. Donnie Wahlberg
17. Qualitative assessments of value
18. Personal space issues
19. Doom
20. Idle plates
21. A haircut
22. Formal corrections to an outdated newsletter
23. Mailing lists
24. Color
25. My blue hoodie
26. Spilling most of your water while trying to walk
27. Plato
28. Liftoff
29. Unfulfilled potential
30. Seven
31. Jammed up
32. Entropy
33. Weigh
34. Cops
35. The uncanny valley (not the magazine)
36. Lurid grafitti
37. Inflammation
38. Standardized tests
39. Sore thoughts
40. Doug
41. Passive aggressive notes
42. A stubborn animal
43. Ghost
44. Quietly counting the days
45. Basic income
46. At the gates of dawn
47. The person who coughed on their hand and then went through a door you were just going to go through, leaving germs on the handle
48. Glue
49. Paranormal activity
50. Animals in captivity
51. A real ham sandwich
52. Lust
53. Spelling errors
54. Obsequiousness
55. Energy cheetahs
56. Mostly forgettable movies
57. Loam
58. Uncanny valley
59. The time your teacher called you out for sleeping during lecture
60. Rich, frothy milkshakes
61. Cheapness as a sense
62. Seven cheese pizza
63. A national anthem
64. Cash
65. Four cheese pizza
66. Freak
67. Charm
68. Knowing your place
69. Steel beams
70. Anarchy
71. Speeding
72. Cheap heat
73. Anchovies
74. Amphetamines
75. A swan's language
76. The Pacific Ocean
77. Losing a finger
78. Peculiarity
79. Camping
80. Captain Eyepatch
81. Way
82. Volatility
83. Forgetting your name, again
84. Flag
85. Baseball
86. Second person narration
87. Mostly forgivable movies
88. Karl the Fog
89. Knowing every night could be the last
90. Eight-track
91. Twins who aren't
92. Many cheesed pizza
93. Heat
94. Design flaws
95. G#
96. Diamond
97. Jet fuel
98. Cribbage
99. An obelisk
100. The valley

Alexis Faulkner is Unicorn Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine
Chris Alarie is Spectacular Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine
Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine

Perhapsy Brings Honesty With New Album

by Chris Alarie

For more than five years, Derek Barber has been a busy, integral part of the Oakland music scene. He's lent his prodigious six-string talents to a number of bands, including Bells Atlas, Astronauts, etc., Madeline Kenney, and In Watermelon Sugar (my old band), among others. But in revent years, he's turned more of his attention to his solo project, Perhapsy. Barber is preparing to release the second Perhapsy album, Me Tie Dought-ty Walker, on March 3rd. The album, which he recorded over the period of several years with his friend Jonathan Thompson, is a lush, nostalgic slice of midwestern sincerity and musical sweetness. I interviewed him about the album and his plans for Perhapsy.

Derek Barber of Perhapsy

Uncanny Valley Magazine: First of all, what took so long? I remember you starting to work on this album more than three years ago.

Derek Barber: Well, it's a combination of a long-distance musical relationship with my Olympia, WA-based, long-time friend Jonathan Thompson (who recorded the majority of the album and played drums on it) and being busy with my other two projects Astronauts, etc and Bells Atlas. To be honest, there were a couple moments when I considered scrapping the whole thing and thought it may never be finished.

UVM: Who else plays on the album? What was the recording process like? 

DB: Aside from Jon Thompson on drums, backing vocals, and a few various instruments, I enlisted the bass guitar talents of my friends Christian Carpenter and Scott Brown. However, I do play some bass on the album as well as pretty much all the instruments (guitars, keys, vox, etc) which I enjoy doing. The album was recorded mainly in Oakland—drums on your kit at the old practice space, in various apartments, and also with a good deal of help from Bijan Sharifi at Robot Envy studios. He's the guy who mastered it. The mixing was done in Olympia by Jon and myself though.

UVM: This album has a very particular sound. What were you aiming for in terms of production, etc? Do you feel happy with the results?

DB: I'm a firm believer in trying to make the best sound possible with whatever tools are at your disposal. I put a lot of stake though in Jon's magical ability to tweak meager sounding things into a really interesting and fuller musical vibe. He did the same sort of thing with the first Perhapsy album (which was pretty much all-instrumental) yet this time around I kinda wanted things to be a little more sloppy hi-fi. I'm pretty happy with it.

UVM: This album reminds me of a lot bands and styles (post-rock, 90s indie rock like Built to Spill and Yo La Tengo, midwestern second-wave emo, even some mainstream alternative rock like the Smashing Pumpkins)—most of which date from the mid-to-late nineties. I also know that you are very much interested in the popular culture from when you were a kid/teenager (e.g. your Jurassic Park and Neverending Story tattoos; the fact that the album is named after a story from Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark). Do you consciously look back to the music of your early teenage years in your songwriting and production style? Or is it more something that filters in unconsciously?

DB: It's definitely subconscious, most of the time. I've become more and more comfortable in not shying away from influences, whatever they might be. I think that what connotes originality, often times, is simply a combination of diverse and plentiful influences. Because I did grow up with a lot of mainstream alternative rock (Weezer, Nirvana, etc.) that pull towards writing songs with a hook is something I've always felt. Just like how late-90s post-rock was very informative and important to me and my friends growing up — its aesthetic and very climactic way of interpreting and writing music. 


Still, it's been nice to see musicians of my generation steadily become unafraid of admitting the influence and identity they found in pre-mainstream emo. I think my fascination with nostalgia, however, is more based upon the role it plays in social interaction. Usually, nostalgia gets a bad wrap when it refers to an artist who's regurgitating what's deemed trendy or whatever. I believe, though, if you have a strong memory associated with a film or piece of music (say, Neverending Story or something like it) and you find you share that same feeling or memory with another person, that's a powerful and fascinating connection.



UVM: You've played guitar in a number of bands in Oakland in a number of different sorts of roles. You've been a lead guitarist in bands where somebody else is the primary songwriter (Astronauts etc, In Watermelon Sugar, Madeline Kenney) and been in bands where much of the songwriting is done collectively (Bells Atlas). But Perhapsy is your own project entirely. How is that experience different from the others—both in terms of songwriting and the basic mechanics of running a band? Has your experience playing music in these other sorts of roles influenced your approach to Perhapsy?

DB: That's a good question. I really value having Perhapsy as my own solo project. I've been in enough bands and musical situations that when the creative control isn't clearly understood, problems inevitably arise. I honestly think that anyone who does music should have a solo project. Not only does it allow you to get some of the ideas out of your head that wouldn't fly in another (more collaborative) band, but it makes you appreciate those more democratic musical activities a whole lot more. I'm also lucky to have a backing band for Perhapsy with musicians I know extremely well, and are very quick to pick things up. When it comes to rehearsing, for instance, some bands take a very long time to get things together. With Perhapsy, though, I have enough trust in the capability of my bandmates that I never wish to do more than one or two rehearsals before a show. I want the music to sound like its a little on-edge. It's not that I want it to come off as unpolished but I certainly try to allow room for happy accidents.

UVM: You are an excellent guitarist and have frequently performed some pretty spectacular guitar heroics in some of these other bands (we used to specifically leave space for you to solo in some In Watermelon Sugar songs). And while Me Tie Dough-ty Walker is definitely a very guitar heavy album, it is less reliant on solos, containing, instead, lots of shimmering, layered guitar textures, more subtle riffs, and interesting chord voicings. In terms of melody, the focus is much more on the vocals than the guitars. Is there a reason why you adopted this style, downplaying your soloing for these other elements?

DB: Thanks. Well, a lot of the songs that appear on the album were written right around the time I first started writing with the intention of singing. It was an altogether terrifying but undeniably rewarding period in my life as I was trying to figure out if I could summon the courage to do so. I got very little encouragement (even discouragement) in my youth when it came to singing, so I always just focused on the guitar being my musical identity. I have nothing against guitar solos — in fact, a lot of the newest post-MTDW songs seem to be headed towards more guitar-featuring zones. But I think this album is a bit of an embrace and statement of intent when it comes to singing these songs. 

UVM: Speaking of your singing, there is a sweetness and earnestness to your vocals. There is something very midwestern about it. Again, relating to the nostalgic quality of the music, you grew up in Ohio but have lived in California for several years now, and, as I understand it, didn't start singing in public until after you moved out west. How have you developed your singing style? What are you trying to communicate with your vocals?

DB: Well, it's funny, I always wanted to sing. I just thought if my friends told me I should stick to guitar, why would they steer me wrong? Ha ha. At any rate, I like the idea of earnestness and sweetness associated with the Midwest because I think, to a certain, extent, that's true. I think, as great creative minds like Kurt Vonnegut Jr. suggest, the Midwest is a great place to be from. (In my case, the emphasis is on from, however).

I do remember a moment, late one night, in my dorm room at the University of Michigan (where I studied Jazz Guitar and a bit of English) when I caught myself singing along to the closing track on Elliott Smith's excellent album XO. The song is called "I Didn't Understand" and it's just a cappella, gorgeous, and fucking tragic. I tape recorded myself singing it and it didn't sound horrible to me. That was the first moment I thought maybe this could be a possibility. The one friend that actually did offer me encouragement, in terms of singing, once described my voice as sounding like "calm water." I thought that was really kind of her.
 
But yeah, I still have a lot of hang-ups with singing. Before recording any vocals on any song, I have a ritual: I say "Fuck it" and hit record. As far as communicating goes, I can only hope to give a listener the same feeling I get when I hear Daniel Johnston, Elliott Smith, or Bob Dylan: honesty.



UVM: What are your plans for the album, in terms of release? Is there going to be a record release show? Will there be a tour? I know you've traded off between performing Perhapsy solo and with a full band; are your planning on continuing this flexible sort of arrangement?
DB: Well, the album comes out on March 3rd and there's going to be a release show on March 6th at the Starline Ballroom in Oakland—you've been there, yeah? Anyhow, it's kind of a fancy joint now and is a good hangout space for the artsy music kids. I hope to have physical copies soon and if an ideal tour presents itself, I'd be interested. However, I'm getting older now and time away from my girlfriend Maddie is kind of a big deal. But I never thought I'd be in the kind of relationship that meant this much to me, so it's cool. Also, I do like the flexibility of playing solo when the opportunity seems to fit. But playing with the full band is freeing in its own way and usually a hell of a lot more fun.

UVM: As discussed above, this album took a while to make and you've written and recorded (as demos, ostensibly) a good batch of new songs since then. Has it been strange, leading up to the release of the album, to focus on these older songs, some of which may have since left your usual repertoire? Do you have plans to record another album in the next couple of years with the newer songs?

DB: Yes, it's a bit odd releasing songs that are nearly four years old or so. Strangely enough, while I was working on the album, I had serious doubts about the quality of the songs. It's only in the last year, however, that I've realized that I actually like the songs a lot. Not that I can't do better, hopefully, but that the songs where I'm making myself kinda vulnerable actually are pretty satisfying. I think I'm always a bit scared about how my music comes off to my friends or random folks. But finally putting this thing out will be very healthy for whatever comes along next. And yes, I currently have about thirty or so new ones to choose from for the next album. I assure you, sir, it won't take as long to put together.

Me Tie Dough-ty Walker is available for pre-order on Perhapsy's Bandcamp page and will be released on March 3rd. Derek will perform the album at the Starline Social Club in Oakland on March 6th.

Chris Alarie is Spectacular Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.