It’s that time of year again. December: when people gather and prepare to be nice to one another for a night and most of the next day. And, to send us off into the merry season, Usher and Young Thug have taken it upon themselves to remind us of the following: there are no limits to the fun we could be having this month, next month, all year, all day every day. Except it’s a lie. Some of us are not going to start the New Year with glee or whatever else people with hope and strong resolutions feel. 2017 will blow hard for a select few: Pisces, Scorpios, and everyone else, actually, in no particular order. A detailed analysis follows:
Aquarius: You will suffer. In January, Jupiter will pivot on a different meridian every twenty-eleventh hour, obviously disrupting our moon’s spin cycle. As a result, every third-and-a-fourth day, the moon will force the oceans’ currents into an increasingly concentric, semifluid, and geometrized flow that will broil your soul via low emitting alphanumeric radio waves. This soul broiling will cause you headaches. Having headaches will cause you to suffer from choleric humors. You are going to have a grumpy January.
Pisces: You will suffer a little less than Aquariuses (Aquarii?!). Jupiter doesn’t affect you, so thank goodness for that. However, Pisces like romance, and what is going to happen to you will be very meaningful with regards to this trait. You will meet a woman on a wooden-floored pathway near a body of water on a day of the week that you usually hate. She will predict that you will meet the love of your life in February. The fortune-teller will have wrinkles and long, white, expertly manicured eyebrows, so you will be somewhat dubious but willing to believe—she reminds you of a relative. She will feel for the veins on your ankle, and, finding none, will tell you the love interest is definitely a Peruvian citizen. You have your eyes set on that Norwegian person though, so you will be confused for the rest of January.
Aries: You sound like an air sign, but society dictates that you are actually a fire sign. You will spend all of January looking for evidence that your sign is misclassified. To assist your search, Jupiter’s Brownian meridian spin will open up your third eye momentarily on a Thursday. This will allow you to examine your problem from all sorts of vantage points. Also, stay away from BART between 7:00 am and 8:00 am. Every day. At those times Venus is in its second rendering, which will make you susceptible to germs.
Taurus: You will get extra possessive in January. You won’t let your boss use your post-its and you will get demoted. If you’re unemployed, ignore the message and work on your résumé. Jupiter won’t help you much because, like Pisces, you are immune. But Mars will enter geothermal rejuvenation around January 12, and exit the mutational phase on January 22 at 2:00 pm. During this time frame, you will feel less self-conscious about your ridiculous and outdated political views. Still, don’t share those views with anyone until the moon settles into its retrograde, forward-waxing house. At that point, sometime in March, nobody will care about you anymore anyways.
Gemini: If you are right-handed, beware. My vision isn’t clear, but I feel like right-handed Geminis will just need to be on the lookout. But, what for? As Saturn glides into first position, my January forecast for this Zodiac sign becomes unreliable. Or, more unreliable than usual. So, no further comments. Just beware.
Cancer: As a people, you do not like it when others criticize your moms. Sadly—and again, because of Jupiter’s upsetting, unconventional gyrations—January will send all other Zodiac signs into a critical frenzy. Cancers! Your mothers will be judged. But don’t worry. A benevolent Methuselah will enter your fifth astrological chamber around January 16, momentarily eclipsing the moon for 53 seconds, and during that time your general sadness will become less acute.
LeoVirgoLibraScorpioSagittariusCapricorn: Just substitute your sign for any other sign mentioned above. Whatever seems least sucky to you.
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Lauren Drayer lives in a small town and thusly writes about small topics.