Easing the Way Back to Sanity

by Victor Mitrani

I've got it! I’ll ask people questions I KNOW the actual answers to already. Oh my god, its so simple. It’s the only way to head off their suspicions at the pass.They all already clearly know what is happening. One look will tell them all that. I’m trespassing, they know it, I know it, it’s only a matter of time until the cops come. Not only am I trespassing, I’m also freaking the fuck out. I see that they see.

This once was a friendly place. It was my home for years. It was the place I felt most comfortable in the whole world. I am now in hostile territory. I felt it on the walk up when idiot Ben and Justin were walking in the middle of the road that I know to be completely dangerous as cars generally careen down the long downhill straightaways and around the blind turns. I knew it was bad but up we went. “This was going to be fun” was the thought.

The college was in the middle of finals. Maybe all the bad vibes and the stress in the air got to me, but I felt truly alien and hostile. As idiot Ben and Justin started climbing the famous tree 9, John and I were waiting anxiously at the bottom, making some sort of conversation. John had already thrown up earlier but was his usual goofball self, I think. But by that point, I felt the energy of the entire place was turning on me. We were being circled now—it was only a matter of time. I looked up at the tree and saw threatening enemy flags spinning in a vortex up to hell. A nice young couple walked by and we smiled “Hi” and so did they. It was weird... It was too much. We were pushing our luck. It was time to go. I yelled up to the idiots and said, “I’ll meet you down at the Porter meadow!” and took off. They—being idiots and out of their minds—said, “Okay” and poor John was left at the bottom of the tree with whatever shit he must have been thinking about.

I came out of nature and into civilization. I felt like a wildman that had come back to a town after 30 years in seclusion. I felt like my hair and clothes just reeked of insanity. This is when the epiphany that I mentioned earlier hit me like a freight train. The time was now, no time to think. Fight or flight, sink or swim. Students were walking all about and whenever I would half catch one in the eye I would go out of my way to stop, walk up to them, and make conversation.

“Hey, is the library over this way?” (knowing FULL WELL that it was).

“Yeah,” they would say with smile. “Just keep going down that way.”

“Oh thanks!” And off I went.

Oh my god this working….! I was walking downhill in the general direction off the campus but every eye I met, I stopped.

“Hey is college eight right down there?”

“Oh yeah, just walk that way and cross the street, its right down those stairs.”

“Hey,thanks!”

My heart was filled with joy. It was simple. So agreeable. Insane people ask questions that no one knows what the fuck they are talking about. But what if an insane person asked perfectly reasonable questions? Ah ha! The loophole has been found. I even went up to people that I would normally be scared of and asked them some questions.

There was some crusty looking punk dude with a skateboard waiting at last bus stop at the bottom of campus. I was across the street from him and I looked at him and he maybe looked at me but I was like, “Oh fuck, I better handle this before it gets out of hand.” So I crossed the street and I said something like, “Hey dude, why don’t you ride down the hill with that?” He smiled and said something like, “Yeah, I totally do sometimes.” And I said something like, “That’s siiiick.” And I went on my way. I was almost off campus thinking that I had pulled off the greatest escape act that anyone had ever accomplished. I kept on feeling my pockets over and over. Amazed, just mind blown that I had my wallet, keys, and phone. I was so grateful and happy.

I wanted to get a limousine and pick up my friends on campus but I couldn’t get a hold of any of them since my phone had died. I later found out that they had an okay time but I think they were mad me for leaving and they sort of took it as a challenge of who had more fun. As I stated before, they are idiots. Anyways, if you ever find yourself losing your shit, just ask some people questions YOU KNOW the answers to and everything will seem much more rational and agreeable in the world. It’s a nice way to wean yourself back to sanity. At least, that’s what worked that day. 

Victor Mitrani thinks you should listen to more Steely Dan.