What Would You Do?

by Chris Alarie

Exterior Park. The SALESMAN, carrying the camera, approaches JEFF—30ish, handsome, and smiling—as he sits by a fountain, listening to music on earbuds

SALESMAN

[from behind the camera]

Excuse me, sir.

The salesman waves to Jeff (his hand appears from behind the camera) to get his attention. Jeff looks up and takes out his earbuds.

JEFF

Pardon?

SALESMAN

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

JEFF

I don't know.

SALESMAN

Would you kill yourself for a Klondike

bar?

JEFF

[chuckles]

Yeah, sure.

SALESMAN

Great!

The salesman hands Jeff a Klondike bar.

JEFF

Thanks.

Cut to:

Jeff is just finishing the Klondike bar.

SALESMAN

It looked like you enjoyed that.

JEFF

Yeah, it was great. Thanks!

SALESMAN

Ok, since we held up our end of the

bargain—

The salesman tries to hand a gun to Jeff. Jeff puts his hands up and refuses to take the gun.

JEFF

Whoa! Wait, what?

SALESMAN

You said you'd kill yourself for a

Klondike bar. So... pay up!

The salesman attempts to force the gun into Jeff's hands again. Jeff again pushes it away.

JEFF

What!? I thought you were kidding!

SALESMAN

I wasn't.

JEFF

Well I don't know what to tell you—

SALESMAN

I had a feeling you would try to back

out. So I took the liberty to send a man

to your house—341 Maple Drive, right?

JEFF

Y-yeah?

SALESMAN

That's what I thought. So, he is sitting

in a van outside your house right now,

watching as your wife, Linda, plays with

your daughter, Wendy. All I have to do is

give him the word and he'll—well, you don't

want to know what he's gonna do.

JEFF

What the fuck!?

SALESMAN

In fact, here's a photo he just texted me.

The salesman shows his phone to Jeff. Jeff, white as a sheet, covers his mouth.

JEFF

Oh my god.

SALESMAN

Yeah. I'm not fucking around here. So...

The salesman attempts to hand the gun to Jeff a third time. His hands shaking with fear, Jeff finally takes the gun.

SALESMAN

That's right.

JEFF

[crying]

I can't believe this!

SALESMAN

In your mouth, motherfucker.

Jeff, still crying, puts the gun in his mouth, and looks toward the salesman/camera in desperation. The salesman cackles deviously.

JEFF

[still crying, words muffled

by the gun in his mouth]

I didn't even want the bar!

SALESMAN

But you ate it, so...

Pull the trigger, you little bitch.

Screen freezes on Jeff with the gun in his mouth. The Klondike bar logo appears onscreen and the salesman joins in with a VOICE as it sings the famous jingle.

VOICE & SALESMAN

[in unison]

What would you do-o-o—

for a Klondike bar?

end

Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.