Ten Questions About the Oscars

by Alexis Faulkner

1. I spent way too much time and energy seeing movies last year to have Spotlight, a perfectly acceptable NOMINEE, win. This movie was well made and well acted, but it lacked any certain excitement. I was fully prepared to be sorely disappointed if The Martian won (I found it boring and the script in particular annoyed the crap out of me) and I found myself disappointed about not being disappointed. So, I can’t help but wonder, why did Spotlight win? What was remarkable about it and what made it stand apart from the rest of the nominees? Was is the story itself? What separated its sincere and standard directing from the inventive and quirky directing of The Big Short? What about the plot and the acting made it a better film than Mad Max?

2. Is there any way for a layperson to know the difference between sound editing and sound mixing?

3. Too many bear jokes on Twitter. This was most likely due to the fact that the bear from The Revenant was sitting in the audience. I was under the impression that the bear was totally CGI, so this came as a huge shock to me. Also, why didn’t anyone consider the post-traumatic stress that Leonardo DiCaprio might experience upon seeing this bear appear at an event that, by all accounts, was very important to him. He survived the bear attack, and was able to maintain enough sanity to continue with the rest of the film and eventually bring home an Oscar for his performance. So, I ask- why didn’t anyone recognize that it would be insensitive to invite the bear? This created to many unknowns. 

4. Literally none of the speeches were exciting and almost everyone appeared to be on too many pills, especially Ryan Gosling during his pre-show interview. While being interviewed with Russell Crowe, Gosling repeatedly waved his backstage pass at Michael Strahan, as if to say, "It's really okay that I'm back here. I have a pass!" What were they all taking? My friend suggested there may have been a bowl of Quaaludes backstage. Can anyone confirm or deny?

5. Too many children. Why are children allowed at the Oscars?

6. Chris Rock, in the middle of making several jokes about the #OscarsSoWhite controversy, basically explained that there is literally nothing else one could possibly think of to ask a woman besides what she is wearing. The clothes are the absolute priority in this situation. Fashion is, of course, a big part of the red carpet spectacle, and calling out the designers who made the clothes is completely fine, but it takes less than 30 seconds to mention a designer and their design. If Chris Rock needs help thinking of what these other questions might be, he can simply reference THE EXACT SAME QUESTIONS that men are consistently asked on the red carpet. You know, questions, say, about acting or directing or whatever other professional attributes involved in the person's attendance of the event. Rock says, 

“Another big thing tonight is — somebody told me this — you’re not allowed to ask women what they’re wearing anymore.There’s this whole thing, ‘Ask her more. You have to ask her more.’ You know it’s like, You ask the men more.Everything’s not sexism, everything’s not racism.They ask the men more because the men are all wearing the same outfits, O.K.? Every guy in there is wearing the exact same thing.You know, if George Clooney showed up with a lime green tux on, and a swan coming out his ass, somebody would go, ‘What you wearing, George?’”

Why did he make a joke that’s been made a thousand times before? And why did he pick on women to demonstrate that not everything is about discrimination?

7. How has Ennio Morricone never won an Oscar before now???????

8. Why was this year’s awards show so 90s? Why feature Dave Grohl and Toy Story? And seeing Leo and Kate together again was devastatingly nostalgic, but now the internet is flooded anew with Titanic references and it’s time we moved on to new memes.

9. Why was Joe Biden there? And why didn’t Chris Rock make any jokes about politics? WHY DID NO ONE MAKE FUN OF JOE?

10. Why did Sam Smith think that he was the first openly gay Oscar winner? 

Alexis Faulkner is Unicorn Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine