Ten Favorite Music Releases of 2015

by Douglas Slayton

My taste in music is myopic and driven entirely by emotional reaction. This list is not objective and is mostly about listening to sad music while being sad. The list is ordered in a haphazard manner; don't attach any significance or meaning to the order.

Time Spent Driving Passed & Presence

When I was in high school and developing a curated affectation that would solidify to the bullheaded personality that I now embody, seeing this group of older guys playing the sort of music that I was just discovering (I was five years younger than most of the band's fans, at the time) really made an impression on me.

Some number of years later, they made a record that feels like something that would have come out when I was still eighteen and still discovering this music.

I spent several cold winter weeks in 2015 sitting on curbs listening to this album and crying but feeling alright about it.

The Saddest Landscape Darkness Forgives

It is hard to talk about this record without feeling tears well up in my eyes.

The Saddest Landscape has perfected a certain sort of immediacy to their delivery. This record exhibits that and never feels well worn.

Foxing Dealer

This fucking record. Albatross was a seemingly insurmountable achievement that was annihilated when this was released.  

I was able to see them on either side of the release of Dealer this year and post-release was easily one of my greatest experiences from the entirety of 2015. I remember walking home, having my headphones on and not listening to anything, just going over it again and again in my mind, trying to make sense of it all, then sitting on my porch just breathing in the entirety of the night.

Envy Atheist’s Cornea

This has a lot in common with the Saddest Landscape's record. But where the Saddest Landscape are immediate, Envy is pensive and contemplative. Though not as sprawling as their previous efforts, the brevity doesn’t go against their strengths.

Envy has always been a band the matters greatly to me but I can never really explain why to anyone unless they already know.

Spraynard Mable

Spraynard says all the things they think and feel and don’t hide it under much metaphor, which makes them very antithetical to my usual favorites.

They fit into a style of punk that I don't usually like. But the uncut honesty makes this album something that I spent a lot of time listening to last year, and will probably continue to listen to in the future also.

Football, Etc. Disappear

This has a fair amount in common with the Time Spent Driving record, except it taps a separate vein of the same scene that birthed TSD a decade or so ago. Plus Football, Etc. is younger than those bands, so it still brings in other touches that are new and exciting.

They have lots of other EPs and even a full length but this is easily my favorite release of theirs.

Warm Thoughts Intangible

This record is two songs, and they are both really good. Like really good.

Dikembe Ledge

Dikembe released a really good full length in 2014 called Mediumship, but this EP is better.

They talk a lot about not being good enough or living up to your own expectations, and that is something I can really get behind. Plus their song titles are usually inside jokes, so it feels like they could be your cool friends who smoke a lot of weed in order to deal with their anxieties and insecurities.

Make Do and Mend Don’t Be Long

Make Do and Mend sound like Hot Water Music, which is hard to top.

I am a sucker for someone who shouts their feelings in songs, and that is a feature of most of this record—in the best way.

Hop Along Painted Shut

This is angular pop, and so much more. They manage to transcend that and everything else that they touch.

Plus Frances has a singular voice, one from which it is hard to turn away.

Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine

BEST OF 2015

BEST OF 2015

by Alexis Faulkner

The worst movie I watched on an airplane: Entourage. Watched it on the plane ride back home from Hawaii via Los Angeles.

The best movie I watched on an airplane: Amy. A fantastic documentary about Amy Winehouse. I was amazed at the amount of raw footage of her that exists, including lots of recordings made before she was famous and didn’t think it possible that she could make a career of singing. I’d like to note that she wasn’t putting herself down as a singer, she just didn’t think of it as something she could do as a career. It made a fan out of me, though I only took so long to appreciate her music because I hadn’t much previous exposure.

The best place I went: Kauai with my mom & sis. The island is overflowing with elaborately colored roosters and many chickens. My mom convinced me the bushes were overflowing with eggs, but I didn’t check.

Best food: Cart food or maybe cheap sandwiches, $3.50 at a deli near me. DELIS! CARTS! Chicken over rice, man. *When I say cart food, I mean hallal, specifically. I want to make special mention of the delicious food available at the Barclays Center. It is fancy and well prepared, and they have lots of Kosher options, too.

Best Holiday Occurrence: Cooking most of the Thanksgiving dinner while drinking Kahlua and coffee and then later adding vodka having it all come out pretty okay.

Best date: This goes over the course of a couple of dates, actually. I went out with one person several times and they kept explaining how a potentiometer works. It was super interesting.

Best venue visited: I went to 3 sports arenas that I hadn’t visited previously in 2015, and that’s a personal best as far as visiting new sports arenas goes. Some friends and I drank Coors Lite on the Finnerty’s gamebus on the way to Citi Field, and even though we watched the Mets beat the Giants (may the Mets championship dreams rest in peace) it was great fun. Without being terribly rowdy, and attracting far less attention than I expected, a whole sections’ worth of San Francisco fans- mostly expats- sat together and cheered not only the Giants, but the Golden State Warriors, too. The Dubs were playing game 4 of the finals that night, and the game started while we sat in a muggy summer sweat that marks baseball in June on the East Coast. The stadium itself was very clean and easy to navigate, though not particularly charming in terms of architecture. Perhaps the character will come with time.

Yankee Stadium, where I saw the Yankees beat the Mets, was also very clean, well organized and full of particularly edible arena eats. And also very concrete and stale. A nice place to see a baseball game, but with few particularly attractive features, save the fact that you can see the train going by from most seats in the park. It’s nice to know that you are nestled neatly in the Bronx, right there in the mix. The Barclays Center in Brooklyn was my favorite.

This choice was difficult, as I much prefer baseball over basketball, however, the Barclays Center has a very interesting design, with its circular strip of screen that you can see while standing underneath the open structure in front of the entrance gates. The outside of the structure itself is a raw-looking metal that is covered in copper rust, and it has mossy greens covering part of it, as well. The seating inside arena goes up very high, the nosebleed sections are steep indeed, but it seems you can see the action well from any seat. They played good music during the game, lots of 90s hip-hop, among other crowd pleasers. There was a lot of Jay-Z too, which was probably just a coincidence since he no longer has a stake in the arena. The worst thing about the Barclays experience was their sound system. The music sounded awful; the tracks sounded blown out and the volume was low at times. This was highly surprising, considering the newness of the venue and the typical auditory fanfare that goes with live sports events. A final exciting note about the game I attended specifically: about half the audience was wearing blue and gold. There were audible cheers for Stephen Curry, there was applause, and it was not just in our bay area gamebus section. I am so thankful that I got to witness a game during the Warriors historic season starting streak of 2015.

Best change: Leaving Whole Foods Market after four solid years of working there. Grateful for the friends I made, grateful to be creatively explosive upon leaving. New Beginnings, that’s what happened.

Best annoying thing I did: Make out in subway stations, at the bar, on the train. All over town, basically. At some point during 2015 a New York native told me that New York is a sexy town, and I think he was right. I see more public displays of affection than back home, that’s for sure.

Best movie: Love & Mercy. I saw it with my mom and I think it was a little dark for her. The story was inspiring and very sad and Paul Giamatti was very twisted and terrifying. John Cusack, who plays Brian Wilson as an adult, did an excellent job of talking in that fairly shy yet halting manner while still managing to highlight the humanity in a diseased mind through an evolution of a loving relationship. Paul Dano, with delicate execution, showed us the genius of Wilson’s musicianship, particularly as an arranger. He too was quite good at showing the internal pain and confusion as his disease first unfolded.

This is just one of three movies that Paul Giamatti starred in this year. Dr. Eugene Landy certainly was his finest roll. Playing a somewhat similar musical handler of sorts in Straight Outta Compton, he was a much more subtle villain, but still convincing, and in San Andreas he was a weak nerd.

Best album release: Marilyn Manson- The Pale Emperor. Just kidding, I haven’t even heard that record. But I like the name because it’s ridiculous. That man loves bein’ freakin’ pale. And since I don’t like Drake and I wish that band UFO was more interesting, I will go with Justin Bieber’s Purpose. Also, I’m really thankful that Snoop Dogg went back to such a name after being Snoop Lion and starring in hot pocket commercials. ***Really though, Dave Rawlings Machine record was cool.

Best celebrity sighting: None. There are no celebrities in New York City. ALTERNATELY: I recognize no one outside of my own family and I refuse to answer this question. Actually, I suffer from face blindness.

Best NY chillers: Thankful to all of the people who came out to New York and made a point to say hi. This includes my sister, my dad and his girlfriend, Eden, Derek, Mark and Crystal, Scott, Sam and Maggie, Nikos, Walter, Lynne, Victor and Hannah (thanks for taking me to Yankee Stadium), Christine before she moved to New York officially, running in to Anthony on the street in Williamsburg, Talia. Can’t wait for Kat to get here on New Year’s Even— you’re gonna love it here.

Best concert: Thee Oh Sees with Zs as their opener at Warsaw in Bushwick, Brooklyn. This took me by surprise, since I’ve never been a huge fan of this SF originating band. However, their sound has changed quite a bit since I’ve last listened in. Perhaps their move to LA did them some good. They were tight and groovy with a big, rowdy, double drum set set-up. Zs was great, very interesting, but I was so infuriated and distracted by the rudeness of the audience that I feel ill-equipped to critique their set. The echo of the audience talking over their performance is what I remember most.

Most entertaining TV moment: Steve Harvey announced the wrong winner for the Miss Universe competition. He had to correct himself on live tv, leading to an extremely awkward moment whereby the crown had to be taken from Miss Colombia and given to Miss Philippines. Harvey compounded this mistake by offering an apology via a (since deleted) tweet in which he misspelled both countries. He was a great host up until this moment and I loved watching him anyway. 


Alexis Faulkner is Unicorn Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine. 

Xmas Poem

unsigned checks
by Douglas Slayton

it had always been cold
where you were born
i promised i would be
a warmth between you
skin and bone

when i called
i never heard back
so i keep the windows closed

Douglas Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Top Ten Reasons 2016 Won't Be 'Your Year'

by Douglas Slayton    

   

Every year you tell yourself, your friends, and family that “things are going to turn around this year for me. I know I had a rough go of it last year, but this time things are going to go my way.”

Truth is: It isn’t. Here’s why

1. Those shitty things that happened in 2015? They still happened. 2016 doesn’t make the past go away, it just means that the sun circled the Earth and you didn’t die yet.
2. “I am going to turn myself around in 2016, I did some shit I am not proud of in 2015 but the past is the past.” Guess what? If you were a shitty person in 2015 you will be a shitty person in 2016. Getting a new calendar with cats on it doesn’t change what you did or that after the first week of January your resolution to be nicer to people will start to crack and you will fuck someone and not call them again, because that is who you are. You are a bad person, just fucking accept it.
3. Those people who you fucked over in 2015? They are making the same promises to themselves to “move on” or “forgive” or “this is going to be my year” but they aren’t going to either and when you see them at a bar or some mutual friends birthday party they will still want you to die and tell everyone there that you fucked them over last year and you won’t get to tell “your side of the story that will totally clear up this simple understanding” because that is a lie, you fucking liar.
4. You might promise everyone that you are going to finish that big creative endeavor like write that novel or record or run a marathon or call your mom more or whatever thing it is that you think is holding you back. You won’t and no one will be disappointed because they know you are a piece of shit who can’t follow through on anything but still pretend to like you because you have the best television and Game of Thrones is coming back in a few months and they want to get fucked up and ruin your house when Jon Snow dies (FUCKING SPOILERS ASSHOLE) because they won’t feel bad about it because it was you and you are shitty and slept with their sibling and never called them or copped up to the STI you left in your shitty, shitty wake.
5. That job you have that you hate? You are comfortable there and you won’t ever update your resume because it is so much work and the reason you have that job you hate is because you don’t want to do anything uncomfortable or that will actually change your life or require a risk of being hurt. It is way easier to just eat your shitty Subway sandwich everyday for lunch while the secretaries laugh and trade stories about the passes you made at them at the holiday party and how you are so sad and they get why your ex left you.
6. You aren’t going to eat better, because fuck you, that’s why! You are a drunk and you always will be a drunk because you can’t even look yourself in the mirror most days and admitting you have a problem would hurt too much so you will just drink cheap scotch and whiskies on the rocks till one day you forget all that shit you did and didn’t do because you poisoned your body to the point of forgetting because you are comatose.
7. You aren’t going to meet anyone new. You are going to stroll dive bars filled with people half your age who are just as lost as you but make ten times as much money as you do because life is fucked and you made some really shitty decisions in college or didn’t finish that last credit you need to get your BA in English so you could get your MFA in creative writing like you always said you would when you were in high school and jerked it to Kerouac.
8. You have a 77.5% chance of dying this year. Whether it be from natural causes (read: being a shitty unhealthy person) or gun violence, terrorism, climate change or other uncontrollable act, you might die and there is nothing you can do about it because that is the way it works.
9. If you do die it won’t matter, people might grieve for a few months but by the end of the year they will probably have moved on and told themselves that “2017 will be my year!” and they will be wrong but you won’t care because you had a meaningless life that ended with a meaningless death.
10. Your death, or any death, won’t matter because life is meaningless and you didn’t change shit or record that hit record or write that novel that changed some kids life. No one will remember you and you won’t care because you will be dead and death is the end. When you die there is nothing because the universe is cruel and there is no god and no one liked you to begin with so fuck you.

Happy fucking New Year asshole. No one really loves you anyway.

Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Two Trumpet Poems

Sounding From the Trumpets of Heaven

by Alexis Faulkner

Blonde rascal provokes louder horns

Sounding towards skyways

Hiding

Certain shrouded

Mystery only for

Speckled so many humans across global

Awareness spreading

You know, like the fire spreading

Possess heart, do you?

Possess fear, do you?

Hunger for wealth

Depth

Earth’s center

Sinking center depth

Holds a lot, parking lot of ammunition

Blonde rascal

Sounding off the trumpet of heaven

Golden horns

Light enough brightens

Instruments speak for

Who

Power corrupting nearest stars

From

Angels

Black angels

Angels holy to

Harness magical projection

Of what a blessing looks like on your mind

winter
by Douglas Slayton

sad songs
squealed across the highway
flowers on either side of a tunnel
a weekend every year

i am still picking pieces
of you out of my clothes
so it never really ends

Alexis Faulkner is Unicorn Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine. 

Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.