Doug Explains Pennies

by Douglas Slayton


The penny has long been a mystery. The penny's original purpose has nearly been forgotten. These days, they are more closely associated with self defense and pigeon control than their original purpose: currency. Long gone are the days of candies, movies, cars, spaghetti and all the other daily necessities that would be paid for with pennies. The penny, once the basic unit of cost for all things, is now disgraced due to smear campaigns by reality television personalities and talking vacuums. But even with all of this hate, the stalwart copper piece bearing the likeness of some old white guy with a beard¹ because of one secret that no one will talk about anymore.

President Fred Breining

Pennies are alive.

I am putting myself at great personal risk for speaking these words aloud to the person I have hired to type everything I say for my eventual memoir,² but change will not come until someone speaks up. Pennies are not made of copper; they are single celled organisms bred in a secret compound in Rhode Island.

Pennies have been on Earth longer than humans, shaping history for their own purposes. Secretly desiring a "society" in which they were the focus of all things, they shepherded humanity—the only creatures with thumbs who were self important enough to think anything they created has value—to "dominance". Most of the world rejected their siren song, because fuck Pennies. They are stupid and taste awful. But the European settlers who found the Penny breeding pools when they landed on what would eventually be the United State really fucking fell for it, because they were dumb as shit.

These humans were not in control of their own destinies—mostly because they were hella dumb and wanted to impress these tiny fucks who wouldn't shut the hell up. Humans are inherently selfish and irresponsible. They have done many terrible, awful things: war, dance, television, Jell-O, furniture, space exploration. But humans are lead largely by the tiny sounds that emanate from their pockets. These are the Pennies leading us to a society where they are all that matter. But like all science experiments,³ humanity grew too out of control for the Pennies to retain their position of prominence.

Thomas Edison, history's greatest monster, created a series of objects that added low level humming into the daily lives of humans. That humming cancelled out sound of the Pennies, and most people have forgotten the tiny sounds they made. The breeding pits in Rhode Island still exist because we have no idea how to stop their breeding. Several attempts have been made to cover them up with concrete but the darkness only makes them grow faster.

Pennies remain as a reminder that we are dumb dumbs and are all going to die because we can’t control our own lives without some shitty living coin telling us what to do.

---

1 Your uncle? I don’t remember his name. If you do, please write to your local congressperson. Waste someone elses time for once, you ingrates.^↩ 2 Bury Me Where I Stand Because I Can’t Stand Myself: a Life Unlived.^↩ 3 Space exploration, am I right?^↩

Douglas Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Favorite Sports Movie

by Chris Alarie

Chris Alarie is Spectacular Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Doug Explains the Iowa Caucus

by Douglas Slayton

Editor's Note: this is the first in a new series of articles whereby Uncanny Valley Magazine Professor Editor-in-Chief Douglas Slayton explains important, newsworthy topics. If you would like to read Doug's explanation of a particular topic, please send us an e-mail at uncannyvalleymagazine@gmail.com.

In the run up to the crowning of the new President some of you have walked up to me on the street
and yelled indignantly, "What is Iowa?!" and one even was like, "What is a Caucus?" to which I probably responded by crying or running in the opposite direction, because I thought you said something else. I am sorry for the misunderstanding. In order to make this up to you I will now explain what the Iowa Caucus is.

Firstly, Iowa, contrary to popular belief, is not in fact a state. Iowa is a governing body responsible for transportation and farming regulations. Iowa is actually an acronym, but no one remembers what it stands for because James Garfield possessed the only documents outlying its meaning at the time of his death and everyone forgot he had them until after he had been shot into to space. Coincidentally, that is why we have a space program: to recover these documents from his frozen corpse. As the need to govern both transit and farming grew, the department of Iowa grew to the size of a state after purchasing land from the states surrounding it so the officials and their family would not have to commute in from the coasts any longer. As more people began to occupy the compound, it became necessary to create more civilized infrastructure to support this new population, which led to the current misconception of its statehood.

A popular dictionary defines Caucus as "not what you think it is you perverted little fuck, put the book back on the shelf and go to class." This does not clarify the situation. Throughout the course of the "election cycle" half of what are considered "states" hold Causcuses. They are an ancient and brutal ritual where the supporters of each party must battle each other to prove that the candidate they support leads the strongest warriors and will better protect us from roving clans of geese that Canada uses to oppress the United States.

While all of this is common knowledge, it is important background for the current dispute that is the topic du jour for the media. This past week, this election season's Causcuses began with an especially brutal bout among the Democrats, leaving thousands dead and ten times as many homeless in the rampage across the non-state of Iowa, with the front runners' (Hillary Clinton and Bernard Sanders) supporters being some of the most vicious and entitled Caucusers¹ of all time. Clinton's were mostly armed with money from rich people and Sanders's was composed mostly of those who were young and had nothing to lose. I don't actually know the results; as a noted apolitical and perpetual presidential write-in candidate myself, I am not legally allowed to follow any coverage until there is an official, final announcement.

I would like to take a moment and ask why I haven't been invited to any debates. Is it my unpopular stance on outlawing chicken wire headwear? Anyway...

On the Republican side, some stuff happened too, I am sure. Like, look at them: they obviously did some shit. Although, traditionally, Republicans are less brutal because they are all related and think that fighting within the family is inappropriate.

Now someone just yelled at me from across the bus asking what the difference between a Causcus and a Primary is. This is a good question.

Primaries are what the younger states use to decide the candidates. As such, they are less brutal and more civilized. The constituency all casts double blind ballots for their choice. As the ballots are double blind, the voter does not actually know what they are voting for, so it is basically luck based. Traditionally, the candidate listed on the right side of the ballot has done better because of the right handed dominance in our culture. In the last decade, though, officials finally noticed the trend and have started randomizing the ballots. But usually it ends up with useless results for "other" and comes down to whichever candidate has not been battered into submission from the press and public.

It is important to stay informed on these issues and political events, so when a estranged relative or potential sexual partner (haha, yeah right) asks about who it is you voted for or who you think might pull it out in the end, you can flippantly say something like, "Oh the brutality of it all is too much for my poor heart to take. Please, please let me die already." To which they will respond with a tearful assertion that life and politics have meaning and you will simply shake your head endlessly until they leave, confused.

---

1 Or, as they are commonly known, Caucasians.

 Douglas Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Ten Favorite Music Releases of 2015

by Douglas Slayton

My taste in music is myopic and driven entirely by emotional reaction. This list is not objective and is mostly about listening to sad music while being sad. The list is ordered in a haphazard manner; don't attach any significance or meaning to the order.

Time Spent Driving Passed & Presence

When I was in high school and developing a curated affectation that would solidify to the bullheaded personality that I now embody, seeing this group of older guys playing the sort of music that I was just discovering (I was five years younger than most of the band's fans, at the time) really made an impression on me.

Some number of years later, they made a record that feels like something that would have come out when I was still eighteen and still discovering this music.

I spent several cold winter weeks in 2015 sitting on curbs listening to this album and crying but feeling alright about it.

The Saddest Landscape Darkness Forgives

It is hard to talk about this record without feeling tears well up in my eyes.

The Saddest Landscape has perfected a certain sort of immediacy to their delivery. This record exhibits that and never feels well worn.

Foxing Dealer

This fucking record. Albatross was a seemingly insurmountable achievement that was annihilated when this was released.  

I was able to see them on either side of the release of Dealer this year and post-release was easily one of my greatest experiences from the entirety of 2015. I remember walking home, having my headphones on and not listening to anything, just going over it again and again in my mind, trying to make sense of it all, then sitting on my porch just breathing in the entirety of the night.

Envy Atheist’s Cornea

This has a lot in common with the Saddest Landscape's record. But where the Saddest Landscape are immediate, Envy is pensive and contemplative. Though not as sprawling as their previous efforts, the brevity doesn’t go against their strengths.

Envy has always been a band the matters greatly to me but I can never really explain why to anyone unless they already know.

Spraynard Mable

Spraynard says all the things they think and feel and don’t hide it under much metaphor, which makes them very antithetical to my usual favorites.

They fit into a style of punk that I don't usually like. But the uncut honesty makes this album something that I spent a lot of time listening to last year, and will probably continue to listen to in the future also.

Football, Etc. Disappear

This has a fair amount in common with the Time Spent Driving record, except it taps a separate vein of the same scene that birthed TSD a decade or so ago. Plus Football, Etc. is younger than those bands, so it still brings in other touches that are new and exciting.

They have lots of other EPs and even a full length but this is easily my favorite release of theirs.

Warm Thoughts Intangible

This record is two songs, and they are both really good. Like really good.

Dikembe Ledge

Dikembe released a really good full length in 2014 called Mediumship, but this EP is better.

They talk a lot about not being good enough or living up to your own expectations, and that is something I can really get behind. Plus their song titles are usually inside jokes, so it feels like they could be your cool friends who smoke a lot of weed in order to deal with their anxieties and insecurities.

Make Do and Mend Don’t Be Long

Make Do and Mend sound like Hot Water Music, which is hard to top.

I am a sucker for someone who shouts their feelings in songs, and that is a feature of most of this record—in the best way.

Hop Along Painted Shut

This is angular pop, and so much more. They manage to transcend that and everything else that they touch.

Plus Frances has a singular voice, one from which it is hard to turn away.

Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine

Three Memory Poems

by the Editorial Staff of Uncanny Valley Magazine

Memory Tantrum and I'm Not Lost

by Alexis Faulkner

All of the facts

The equation, it adds up

When the sultan is discovered deep in the mind’s storage facility

Entertain the oldest thoughts about the ghost

That’s right, I found the ghost and it told me

A story in the East Village

Or perhaps it was Washington Square Park

These translucent spirits are always thugs

Watch your wallet

BLESS
by Chris Alarie

GOD BLESS FALSE MEMORIES

REVEAL UNTO US THE FALLACIES

AT THE SWEETENED, BEATING HEART OF

   PERCEPTION

   TIME

   EXPERIENCE

   EXISTENCE

ALL THE TIME

THAT WE ARE WRONG
WE ARE THANKFUL

open windows
by Douglas Slayton

i carried it around
for most of a year

i still think sometimes
of the nights i walked
through crowded streets
thinking of what might be

no ride was alone
there were no cold nights

when everything crashed
i sat on that street for hours
messing up traffic

Alexis Faulkner is Executive Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine. 
Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.
Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Three Water Poems

by the Editorial Staff of Uncanny Valley Magazine

All of the Earth's Liquid

by Alexis Faulkner

 

Today South Carolina is

Submerged in the world’s greatest indicator of

Well-being

There is no greater pull on my conscience

Than the ocean

Large waves against earth walls

I dream about running

Sprinting down splintered piers

Wood breaks apart as my bare toes lift off each board

Falling away behind me

Leave me to a dark sea in the middle of nothing

Peace be the spirit that water dedicates

To the human body

Memory

Repetitive motion, please wake us when

The waves are coming on too strong

Water forces us to stay present

To look at the fortune consumed, the resources

We must stand near the ancient cycle of movement

Eyes open and waiting for our turn to swim

It is easy to feel large on the land

It is easy to be lost in the sea


Kill Van Kull
by Chris Alarie

The divide between where I am now
And where I would like to be
Doesn't seem to be as wide as the bay
Between Oakland & San Francisco
It's more like the Kill Van Kull
Or even the estuary
Between Oakland & Alameda
But the bridge is gone                      
And I can't swim                     
(That is a lie. I can swim.
I just can't swim very well.)

Oh sure, NASA can find
Evidence of water on Mars
But I can't find a god damn job

Open Container Ordinance

by Douglas Slayton 

i know i don't
but have been saying for so long
i need it to sleep
when i have slept every night regardless
if i lay here long enough
i just want all of this to be over
even if just for an hour

and in the morning
water pours over me
filling every empty space
left in the interim

for that moment i am fresh or new
or whole
even if just for a moment
again

Photo by Alexis Faulkner

Alexis Faulkner is Executive Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine. 
Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.
Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Three Blood Poems

by the Editorial Staff of Uncanny Valley Magazine

Super Blood Moon photo by Benjamin Stark

Blood
by Alexis Faulkner

Humans are mostly liquid

Had I longer planted myself

In a familiar landscape

My blood might have hardened

And kept me quiet and still

Tomorrow

In the evening

The moon fills with blood

Only then to hide in the Earth’s shadow

In New York

The sky will be cool and clear

And the moon will be bright

Barely bright enough to be another light in the landscape

That can hold our attention just long enough

To read its meaning

And carry on with the counting of our kingdom’s gloried pieces

Days passed that tomorrow

A new sense of blood pain

Feeling woven into the feminine landscape

Feeling forgotten and feeling tiny but not without a home

Warmed by the shared responsibility to keep our blood contained

Lifted by the shared passion to show off our wounds

Remembering the blood moon and the newness shown afterwards

Showered in the light of that big moon

I saw a distant path

And suddenly it appeared underneath me

To bridge the unknown with bold spirit

Would be to map my own blood onto dreams

And to chase life with new, bright bliss

Blood
by Chris Alarie

Our life's blood that sustains us
Will someday portend our doom
In Revelations, John writes,
"And there came a great earthquake
The sun became black as sackcloth
The full moon became like blood"

Individual bodies
We will die, we will bleed out
Lividity will set in
Blood will pool, coagulate
Red and blue, black and purple
Blood tells us that life ends

But blood, like death, connects us
With each other and also
With the creatures great and small
That populate existence
Warm and cold blooded, even
The stupid, stupid horses

12:35pm, August 27th
by Douglas Slayton

there is more of you inside
than there is me.
racing from my chest
to my fingers
but i still can't feel a thing.

i have known more doubt
than anything else.
swallowing smoke
with the sugar metabolizing,
my head is swimming
but i am sinking.

touch my arm the way you did,
again, and feel me run cold.

Alexis Faulkner is Executive Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine. 
Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.
Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

My Important Podcast with Chris Alarie: Episode 7

by Chris Alarie

After a delay of two weeks, Doug and I continue our discussion about podcasts. This is, quite possibly, the least essential episode yet. Enjoy!



Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.
Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Three New York Poems

by the Editorial Staff of Uncanny Valley Magazine

One Year Later
by Alexis Faulkner

New York City
Existing in a famous way
All the city surfaces have hardened around the way things used to be
Nouns are tired when they are old and unrested, especially places
The people of New York are tired, too
The people of New York are exhausted
Because the winter is coming
And the snow will cancel all of their plans
And they will have no choice but to sit inside and sulk
So they have to execute all of their ambitions while it is hot

The gaze of the city is lively
Demanding and full of life and intention
It is a mountain for the city's youngest to climb
The gaze is a mirror
And a long look is required to truly evaluate
The way things exist in the Eastern part of the United States

At least there are cheap sandwiches
And even the longest season will turn over eventually


Innumerable Other Places
by Chris Alarie

I'm trying to read Uselysses
In the library—which is cold
Or the park—which is hot
I am still mostly happy to be
Alive & in New York
But,
This is one of those days where
My best isn't good enough

I like New York but
I can't say why because
I can't stand the way that
People who love New York
Talk about New York

"Why do you love it?"
"Because it's like nowhere else."
"But you can say that about almost literally
Innumerable other places."
"Hey, fuck you!
I didn't start this conversation."

The day ends and
I still hate horses


The Next Time I Have Seven Dollars (Fourth)
by Douglas Slayton

When I breath my breathing poisons everything.

The white lights burn away to bone lit neon.

Millions of steps resound, held on a string,

looking up and feeling down when you're on.

When I think of your eyes or something new

I see those towers on every side piercing the sky,

with bridges on every shore surrounding you.

I am thinking of you, but it is a lie.

Every night is a different walk now.

Knowing the place in earnest, it's quiet.

We don't talk anymore about when it will snow

or the stars behind the ambient light.

Don't make promises you don't want to keep.

With you gone now, I'm not fucked on sleep.

Alexis Faulkner is Executive Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine. 
Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.
Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

My Important Podcast With Chris Alarie: Episode 5

by Chris Alarie

This week on "My Important Podcast with Chris Alarie", Doug ambushes Chris with a surprise announcement.




Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.
Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

My Important Podcast With Chris Alarie: Episode 4

by Chris Alarie

On the latest installment of "My Important Podcast with Chris Alarie", Chris and Doug get straight to the point of the matter. Sort of.




Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.
Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

My Important Podcast With Chris Alarie: Episode 3

by Chris Alarie

Because nobody asked for it, here is episode three of "My Important Podcast with Chris Alarie"—again featuring Uncanny Valley's own Doug Slayton.



Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.
Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

My Important Podcast With Chris Alarie: Episode 2

by Chris Alarie with Doug Slayton

Here is the highly unanticipated second episode of "My Important Podcast with Chris Alarie". This episode features a guest appearance from Uncanny Valley Magazine's own Douglas Slayton. Listen and Enjoy below!




Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.
Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.