Ten Questions About the Oscars

by Alexis Faulkner

1. I spent way too much time and energy seeing movies last year to have Spotlight, a perfectly acceptable NOMINEE, win. This movie was well made and well acted, but it lacked any certain excitement. I was fully prepared to be sorely disappointed if The Martian won (I found it boring and the script in particular annoyed the crap out of me) and I found myself disappointed about not being disappointed. So, I can’t help but wonder, why did Spotlight win? What was remarkable about it and what made it stand apart from the rest of the nominees? Was is the story itself? What separated its sincere and standard directing from the inventive and quirky directing of The Big Short? What about the plot and the acting made it a better film than Mad Max?

2. Is there any way for a layperson to know the difference between sound editing and sound mixing?

3. Too many bear jokes on Twitter. This was most likely due to the fact that the bear from The Revenant was sitting in the audience. I was under the impression that the bear was totally CGI, so this came as a huge shock to me. Also, why didn’t anyone consider the post-traumatic stress that Leonardo DiCaprio might experience upon seeing this bear appear at an event that, by all accounts, was very important to him. He survived the bear attack, and was able to maintain enough sanity to continue with the rest of the film and eventually bring home an Oscar for his performance. So, I ask- why didn’t anyone recognize that it would be insensitive to invite the bear? This created to many unknowns. 

4. Literally none of the speeches were exciting and almost everyone appeared to be on too many pills, especially Ryan Gosling during his pre-show interview. While being interviewed with Russell Crowe, Gosling repeatedly waved his backstage pass at Michael Strahan, as if to say, "It's really okay that I'm back here. I have a pass!" What were they all taking? My friend suggested there may have been a bowl of Quaaludes backstage. Can anyone confirm or deny?

5. Too many children. Why are children allowed at the Oscars?

6. Chris Rock, in the middle of making several jokes about the #OscarsSoWhite controversy, basically explained that there is literally nothing else one could possibly think of to ask a woman besides what she is wearing. The clothes are the absolute priority in this situation. Fashion is, of course, a big part of the red carpet spectacle, and calling out the designers who made the clothes is completely fine, but it takes less than 30 seconds to mention a designer and their design. If Chris Rock needs help thinking of what these other questions might be, he can simply reference THE EXACT SAME QUESTIONS that men are consistently asked on the red carpet. You know, questions, say, about acting or directing or whatever other professional attributes involved in the person's attendance of the event. Rock says, 

“Another big thing tonight is — somebody told me this — you’re not allowed to ask women what they’re wearing anymore.There’s this whole thing, ‘Ask her more. You have to ask her more.’ You know it’s like, You ask the men more.Everything’s not sexism, everything’s not racism.They ask the men more because the men are all wearing the same outfits, O.K.? Every guy in there is wearing the exact same thing.You know, if George Clooney showed up with a lime green tux on, and a swan coming out his ass, somebody would go, ‘What you wearing, George?’”

Why did he make a joke that’s been made a thousand times before? And why did he pick on women to demonstrate that not everything is about discrimination?

7. How has Ennio Morricone never won an Oscar before now???????

8. Why was this year’s awards show so 90s? Why feature Dave Grohl and Toy Story? And seeing Leo and Kate together again was devastatingly nostalgic, but now the internet is flooded anew with Titanic references and it’s time we moved on to new memes.

9. Why was Joe Biden there? And why didn’t Chris Rock make any jokes about politics? WHY DID NO ONE MAKE FUN OF JOE?

10. Why did Sam Smith think that he was the first openly gay Oscar winner? 

Alexis Faulkner is Unicorn Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine

Life Sans Politics

by Chancey Hector

Photo Courtesy of the Author

I don’t understand politics—not at all. Growing up, I was surrounded by friends and family who always knew who the Secretary of State was, or how the Senate works, or what a pork barrel is, but none of it rubbed off on me. Today, not much has changed; I still have no idea what senators do, I don’t know why the government is split into branches, and I still can’t tell you what a pork barrel is, politically speaking. All I can picture is a barrel with a lot of meat inside, which is of course silly and reveals just how little I understand the political world. That being said, not knowing much about politics has not been a detriment to my daily life. I can still cook, clean, drive, laugh, cry, and shop for knee-high boots without knowing who Joseph R. Biden is or what Sarah Palin does for a living.

My father’s eyes roll whenever we discuss current events. He reads the newspaper every day to catch a glimpse of the world’s happenings, and he can probably name the presidents of most countries in the world. He is on top of his political life. I, on the other hand, cannot keep up with the news. I have tried, and failed, to educate myself. The only thing I ever retain from watching Fox News or CNN is the weather report. Now that’s important information to have when you are planning picnics at the beach. Understanding Barack Obama’s political stance on immigration is not so tangibly useful—unless you are in the process of immigrating, which I am not.

When I think about it, I realize that perhaps it is thanks to this mysterious government that I am able to do all those things I like without concerns or worry. I imagine that thanks to import/export laws I am able to buy goods made overseas, and thanks to amiable treaties with neighboring countries I am able to enjoy low gas prices. I would surf on Google and see if any of my assumptions are correct, but the truth is that I am too busy to find out. I have a marriage, twin toddlers, rent and utilities, and a job that drives me nuts. My daily routine leaves me no time to investigate the political happenings of this country.

Not to be defeated by the complexity of the government, I turn to my best friend to gather information. He understands me, and knows that I will only absorb politics in a very diluted form, free of all the political jargon that floats around out there in the real world. He knows how to bullet-point the topics that we discuss, and he knows how to make it fun to learn—by inserting a lot of hip hop references into his stories, somehow. He makes light out of the depressing events that occur out there, outside of my small bubble of existence. He’s my personal version of The Daily Show. And thanks to his bite-size approach, I am able to glean a few important gems here and there, like the definition of filibuster and the history of Blue Dog Democrats. However, these factoids are soon replaced with more important information, such as the ingredients I will need to cook dinner tonight.

Dinner and laundry are more important to me than who has decided to run for the presidency next year (elections are next year, right?). My life cannot function without planned meals and clean clothes. One of my twins has a complete wardrobe change three times a day. Several times a week she routinely runs out of clothes to wear, so I have to run the washing machine twice a week to keep up with her. Sometimes I leave the news on while I cook or clean the house, but it’s all white noise to me. I don’t multitask; I can cook or listen to the news. I am not equipped to do both at the same time. But the beauty of it all is that I don’t have to multitask. I can focus on life at home while politicians focus on their life in Congress, or wherever else they meet and invent laws. I’ll do my job, they’ll do theirs.

In fact, I feel that the people out there in Washington are working very hard so that we don’t have to worry all that much. We have the option to participate in the elections but it’s not even mandatory! We can live peacefully and let the old men and women in charge of the country do what they think is best for all of us. We don’t have to know their names of even their agenda. We can pretty much coast on the outskirts of the political world and hope for the best. That’s all we can do, hope, because politics also have a dark side. There are corrupt politicians out there who do not have our best interest at heart: they want money and laws that allow them to keep it all, at all costs. Depending on who you are talking to, you will get a different list of corrupt politicians. It depends on what side of the spectrum you lie—Democrat or Republican, or Other. But so long as the good ones outnumber the bad ones, we should be pretty safe.

Politics may govern all aspects of my life, from the price of groceries to the price of gas, but I don’t know how it happens. And I will keep not knowing until things go awfully awry: the day my peeled baby carrots cost me $100.00 I will start paying very close attention to the confusing machinery that governs our country. Until then, I will spend my energy raising my children and being an attentive wife. I will keep coasting on the outskirts of the political world, and hope for the best.

Chancey is deeply committed to reminding the world that women are seriously just human. She also loves being French.