January 2016 Cover

by Alexis Faulkner

Alexis Faulkner is Unicorn Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine. 

BEST OF 2015

BEST OF 2015

by Alexis Faulkner

The worst movie I watched on an airplane: Entourage. Watched it on the plane ride back home from Hawaii via Los Angeles.

The best movie I watched on an airplane: Amy. A fantastic documentary about Amy Winehouse. I was amazed at the amount of raw footage of her that exists, including lots of recordings made before she was famous and didn’t think it possible that she could make a career of singing. I’d like to note that she wasn’t putting herself down as a singer, she just didn’t think of it as something she could do as a career. It made a fan out of me, though I only took so long to appreciate her music because I hadn’t much previous exposure.

The best place I went: Kauai with my mom & sis. The island is overflowing with elaborately colored roosters and many chickens. My mom convinced me the bushes were overflowing with eggs, but I didn’t check.

Best food: Cart food or maybe cheap sandwiches, $3.50 at a deli near me. DELIS! CARTS! Chicken over rice, man. *When I say cart food, I mean hallal, specifically. I want to make special mention of the delicious food available at the Barclays Center. It is fancy and well prepared, and they have lots of Kosher options, too.

Best Holiday Occurrence: Cooking most of the Thanksgiving dinner while drinking Kahlua and coffee and then later adding vodka having it all come out pretty okay.

Best date: This goes over the course of a couple of dates, actually. I went out with one person several times and they kept explaining how a potentiometer works. It was super interesting.

Best venue visited: I went to 3 sports arenas that I hadn’t visited previously in 2015, and that’s a personal best as far as visiting new sports arenas goes. Some friends and I drank Coors Lite on the Finnerty’s gamebus on the way to Citi Field, and even though we watched the Mets beat the Giants (may the Mets championship dreams rest in peace) it was great fun. Without being terribly rowdy, and attracting far less attention than I expected, a whole sections’ worth of San Francisco fans- mostly expats- sat together and cheered not only the Giants, but the Golden State Warriors, too. The Dubs were playing game 4 of the finals that night, and the game started while we sat in a muggy summer sweat that marks baseball in June on the East Coast. The stadium itself was very clean and easy to navigate, though not particularly charming in terms of architecture. Perhaps the character will come with time.

Yankee Stadium, where I saw the Yankees beat the Mets, was also very clean, well organized and full of particularly edible arena eats. And also very concrete and stale. A nice place to see a baseball game, but with few particularly attractive features, save the fact that you can see the train going by from most seats in the park. It’s nice to know that you are nestled neatly in the Bronx, right there in the mix. The Barclays Center in Brooklyn was my favorite.

This choice was difficult, as I much prefer baseball over basketball, however, the Barclays Center has a very interesting design, with its circular strip of screen that you can see while standing underneath the open structure in front of the entrance gates. The outside of the structure itself is a raw-looking metal that is covered in copper rust, and it has mossy greens covering part of it, as well. The seating inside arena goes up very high, the nosebleed sections are steep indeed, but it seems you can see the action well from any seat. They played good music during the game, lots of 90s hip-hop, among other crowd pleasers. There was a lot of Jay-Z too, which was probably just a coincidence since he no longer has a stake in the arena. The worst thing about the Barclays experience was their sound system. The music sounded awful; the tracks sounded blown out and the volume was low at times. This was highly surprising, considering the newness of the venue and the typical auditory fanfare that goes with live sports events. A final exciting note about the game I attended specifically: about half the audience was wearing blue and gold. There were audible cheers for Stephen Curry, there was applause, and it was not just in our bay area gamebus section. I am so thankful that I got to witness a game during the Warriors historic season starting streak of 2015.

Best change: Leaving Whole Foods Market after four solid years of working there. Grateful for the friends I made, grateful to be creatively explosive upon leaving. New Beginnings, that’s what happened.

Best annoying thing I did: Make out in subway stations, at the bar, on the train. All over town, basically. At some point during 2015 a New York native told me that New York is a sexy town, and I think he was right. I see more public displays of affection than back home, that’s for sure.

Best movie: Love & Mercy. I saw it with my mom and I think it was a little dark for her. The story was inspiring and very sad and Paul Giamatti was very twisted and terrifying. John Cusack, who plays Brian Wilson as an adult, did an excellent job of talking in that fairly shy yet halting manner while still managing to highlight the humanity in a diseased mind through an evolution of a loving relationship. Paul Dano, with delicate execution, showed us the genius of Wilson’s musicianship, particularly as an arranger. He too was quite good at showing the internal pain and confusion as his disease first unfolded.

This is just one of three movies that Paul Giamatti starred in this year. Dr. Eugene Landy certainly was his finest roll. Playing a somewhat similar musical handler of sorts in Straight Outta Compton, he was a much more subtle villain, but still convincing, and in San Andreas he was a weak nerd.

Best album release: Marilyn Manson- The Pale Emperor. Just kidding, I haven’t even heard that record. But I like the name because it’s ridiculous. That man loves bein’ freakin’ pale. And since I don’t like Drake and I wish that band UFO was more interesting, I will go with Justin Bieber’s Purpose. Also, I’m really thankful that Snoop Dogg went back to such a name after being Snoop Lion and starring in hot pocket commercials. ***Really though, Dave Rawlings Machine record was cool.

Best celebrity sighting: None. There are no celebrities in New York City. ALTERNATELY: I recognize no one outside of my own family and I refuse to answer this question. Actually, I suffer from face blindness.

Best NY chillers: Thankful to all of the people who came out to New York and made a point to say hi. This includes my sister, my dad and his girlfriend, Eden, Derek, Mark and Crystal, Scott, Sam and Maggie, Nikos, Walter, Lynne, Victor and Hannah (thanks for taking me to Yankee Stadium), Christine before she moved to New York officially, running in to Anthony on the street in Williamsburg, Talia. Can’t wait for Kat to get here on New Year’s Even— you’re gonna love it here.

Best concert: Thee Oh Sees with Zs as their opener at Warsaw in Bushwick, Brooklyn. This took me by surprise, since I’ve never been a huge fan of this SF originating band. However, their sound has changed quite a bit since I’ve last listened in. Perhaps their move to LA did them some good. They were tight and groovy with a big, rowdy, double drum set set-up. Zs was great, very interesting, but I was so infuriated and distracted by the rudeness of the audience that I feel ill-equipped to critique their set. The echo of the audience talking over their performance is what I remember most.

Most entertaining TV moment: Steve Harvey announced the wrong winner for the Miss Universe competition. He had to correct himself on live tv, leading to an extremely awkward moment whereby the crown had to be taken from Miss Colombia and given to Miss Philippines. Harvey compounded this mistake by offering an apology via a (since deleted) tweet in which he misspelled both countries. He was a great host up until this moment and I loved watching him anyway. 


Alexis Faulkner is Unicorn Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine. 

An Article: UFO Sandwiches: the How, Why, What & How of UFO Sandwiches: the Article

by Chris Alarie

Illustration by Alexis Faulkner

Having moved to Brooklyn last year, I've spent a good chunk of the last few months learning the ins and outs of this little city called New York City or sometimes just the Big City or mostly just New York. Among those ins—or maybe it's an out; I'm not really sure—is this surprising tidbit about sandwiches (which I will present in the form of a rhetorical question): did you know that in NYC¹ sandwiches cost exactly $50.55? It's true. And the price is the same at every deli. The price is highly regulated and any vendor/restaurateur/deli-atician/sanwicherist who does not comply with that price is heavily fined and beaten.

Now you may be asking yourself,² "Why would anybody pay that much for a sandwich? That seems like a ridiculously high price to pay for such a basic item." Well, first of all, fuck you. Who do you think you are? Some fancy bastard who's too good for our weird, expensive New York sandwiches? Go fuck yourself. Second: it actually isn't as expensive as it seems because New York sandwiches can regenerate themselves. All you have to do is take a piece of the sandwich and place it in the sunlight and it will grow into an entire new sandwich. Of course, there is a limit to how many new sandwiches can be generated from a single sandwich. Usually, the upper limit is somewhere around 14 new sandwiches—which makes for an incredible return on the initial $50.55 investment. Unfortunately, the lower limit is five sandwiches. While there is a fair bit of randomness involved in any New York sandwich transaction, certain types of sandwiches have particular tendencies. Hey, let's go through them together now.

Turkey sandwich: eight to 12 regenerations. Turkey sandwiches are generally one of the best values in all of New York the City.³
Salami sandwich: six to ten regenerations. While not as valuable as turkey, salami sandwiches are usually a good investment.
Ham sandwich: 5 to eight regenerations. Ham sandwiches are bad investments. Do not order a ham sandwich.
Tuna salad sandwich: seven to 14 regenerations. Tuna sandwiches have one of the widest range of possible results.
Chicken salad sandwich: five to 12 regenerations. As always, chicken salad sandwiches are just a lesser version of tuna salad sandwiches. Also, sometimes chicken salad sandwiches inexplicably regenerate as reuben sandwiches.
Reuben sandwich: ten to 14 regenerations. Oddly enough, reubens sometimes regenerate as ham sandwiches.
Po boy: seven to ten regenerations. I don't know what this is. I guess it's some kind of sandwich.
Gyro: sorry, gyros aren't sandwiches. They don't have anything to do with this.
Burrito: also not a sandwich. Also, I'm pretty sure that there are no burritos anywhere in the five boroughs.⁴
BLT: I don't know. I've never actually ordered a BLT.

Now you might be wondering how all of this came about. Unfortunately, it is far too complicated for me to explain or even comprehend. But the initial technology allowing for sandwich regeneration was originally developed by extra terrestrials. A cabal of shadowy figures operating in secret deep within the federal government learned these techniques and, in turn, taught them to sandwich industrialists throughout the Big Cheesy Apple Potato.⁵ In order to preserve the illusion of a free market economy, these alien-technology-informed sandwiches are set at the carefully determined price of $50.55. And now you know the whole story—like a real goddamn New Yorker! Fuck you.

Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

---

1 NYC is another name for New York City. It's an acronym but nobody knows what it stands for. It dates back to the 17th century, when all New Yorkers spoke an ancient, untranslatable dead language known as Dutch.^↩
2 Yeah, it's another rhetorical question. Fuck you if that's a problem, hey.^↩
3 I'm pretty sure this is another name for New York City. But there is at least a small chance that I came up with this one myself when I hit my head on the toilet really hard the other day.^↩
4 This is yet another nickname for New York City. It is an anglicization of the Spanish term "cinco burros", which means "five donkeys". This is because New York City was originally founded in the 14th century by five super-intelligent donkeys who had sailed over from Spain.^↩
5 That's right, another fucking nickname!^↩

Three New York Poems

by the Editorial Staff of Uncanny Valley Magazine

One Year Later
by Alexis Faulkner

New York City
Existing in a famous way
All the city surfaces have hardened around the way things used to be
Nouns are tired when they are old and unrested, especially places
The people of New York are tired, too
The people of New York are exhausted
Because the winter is coming
And the snow will cancel all of their plans
And they will have no choice but to sit inside and sulk
So they have to execute all of their ambitions while it is hot

The gaze of the city is lively
Demanding and full of life and intention
It is a mountain for the city's youngest to climb
The gaze is a mirror
And a long look is required to truly evaluate
The way things exist in the Eastern part of the United States

At least there are cheap sandwiches
And even the longest season will turn over eventually


Innumerable Other Places
by Chris Alarie

I'm trying to read Uselysses
In the library—which is cold
Or the park—which is hot
I am still mostly happy to be
Alive & in New York
But,
This is one of those days where
My best isn't good enough

I like New York but
I can't say why because
I can't stand the way that
People who love New York
Talk about New York

"Why do you love it?"
"Because it's like nowhere else."
"But you can say that about almost literally
Innumerable other places."
"Hey, fuck you!
I didn't start this conversation."

The day ends and
I still hate horses


The Next Time I Have Seven Dollars (Fourth)
by Douglas Slayton

When I breath my breathing poisons everything.

The white lights burn away to bone lit neon.

Millions of steps resound, held on a string,

looking up and feeling down when you're on.

When I think of your eyes or something new

I see those towers on every side piercing the sky,

with bridges on every shore surrounding you.

I am thinking of you, but it is a lie.

Every night is a different walk now.

Knowing the place in earnest, it's quiet.

We don't talk anymore about when it will snow

or the stars behind the ambient light.

Don't make promises you don't want to keep.

With you gone now, I'm not fucked on sleep.

Alexis Faulkner is Executive Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine. 
Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.
Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.