by Chris Alarie
Having moved to Brooklyn last year, I've spent a good chunk of the last few months learning the ins and outs of this little city called New York City or sometimes just the Big City or mostly just New York. Among those ins—or maybe it's an out; I'm not really sure—is this surprising tidbit about sandwiches (which I will present in the form of a rhetorical question): did you know that in NYC
1 sandwiches cost exactly $50.55? It's true. And the price is the same at every deli. The price is highly regulated and any vendor/restaurateur/deli-atician/sanwicherist who does not comply with that price is heavily fined and beaten.
Now you may be asking yourself,
2 "Why would anybody pay that much for a sandwich? That seems like a ridiculously high price to pay for such a basic item." Well, first of all, fuck you. Who do you think you are? Some fancy bastard who's too good for our weird, expensive New York sandwiches? Go fuck yourself. Second: it actually isn't as expensive as it seems because New York sandwiches can regenerate themselves. All you have to do is take a piece of the sandwich and place it in the sunlight and it will grow into an entire new sandwich. Of course, there is a limit to how many new sandwiches can be generated from a single sandwich. Usually, the upper limit is somewhere around 14 new sandwiches—which makes for an incredible return on the initial $50.55 investment. Unfortunately, the lower limit is five sandwiches. While there is a fair bit of randomness involved in any New York sandwich transaction, certain types of sandwiches have particular tendencies. Hey, let's go through them together now.
Turkey sandwich: eight to 12 regenerations. Turkey sandwiches are generally one of the best values in all of New York the City.
3
Salami sandwich: six to ten regenerations. While not as valuable as turkey, salami sandwiches are usually a good investment.
Ham sandwich: 5 to eight regenerations. Ham sandwiches are bad investments. Do not order a ham sandwich.
Tuna salad sandwich: seven to 14 regenerations. Tuna sandwiches have one of the widest range of possible results.
Chicken salad sandwich: five to 12 regenerations. As always, chicken salad sandwiches are just a lesser version of tuna salad sandwiches. Also, sometimes chicken salad sandwiches inexplicably regenerate as reuben sandwiches.
Reuben sandwich: ten to 14 regenerations. Oddly enough, reubens sometimes regenerate as ham sandwiches.
Po boy: seven to ten regenerations. I don't know what this is. I guess it's some kind of sandwich.
Gyro: sorry, gyros aren't sandwiches. They don't have anything to do with this.
Burrito: also not a sandwich. Also, I'm pretty sure that there are no burritos anywhere in the five boroughs.
4
BLT: I don't know. I've never actually ordered a BLT.
Now you might be wondering how all of this came about. Unfortunately, it is far too complicated for me to explain or even comprehend. But the initial technology allowing for sandwich regeneration was originally developed by extra terrestrials. A cabal of shadowy figures operating in secret deep within the federal government learned these techniques and, in turn, taught them to sandwich industrialists throughout the Big Cheesy Apple Potato.
5 In order to preserve the illusion of a free market economy, these alien-technology-informed sandwiches are set at the carefully determined price of $50.55. And now you know the whole story—like a real goddamn New Yorker! Fuck you.
Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.
1 NYC is another name for New York City. It's an acronym but nobody knows what it stands for. It dates back to the 17th century, when all New Yorkers spoke an ancient, untranslatable dead language known as Dutch.↩
2 Yeah, it's another rhetorical question. Fuck you if that's a problem, hey.↩
3 I'm pretty sure this is another name for New York City. But there is at least a small chance that I came up with this one myself when I hit my head on the toilet really hard the other day.↩
4 This is yet another nickname for New York City. It is an anglicization of the Spanish term "cinco burros", which means "five donkeys". This is because New York City was originally founded in the 14th century by five super-intelligent donkeys who had sailed over from Spain.↩
5 That's right, another fucking nickname!↩
