A Desperate Person

by Chris Alarie

Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

A Horse for a Haircut

by Chris Alarie

Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Three New York Poems

by the Editorial Staff of Uncanny Valley Magazine

One Year Later
by Alexis Faulkner

New York City
Existing in a famous way
All the city surfaces have hardened around the way things used to be
Nouns are tired when they are old and unrested, especially places
The people of New York are tired, too
The people of New York are exhausted
Because the winter is coming
And the snow will cancel all of their plans
And they will have no choice but to sit inside and sulk
So they have to execute all of their ambitions while it is hot

The gaze of the city is lively
Demanding and full of life and intention
It is a mountain for the city's youngest to climb
The gaze is a mirror
And a long look is required to truly evaluate
The way things exist in the Eastern part of the United States

At least there are cheap sandwiches
And even the longest season will turn over eventually


Innumerable Other Places
by Chris Alarie

I'm trying to read Uselysses
In the library—which is cold
Or the park—which is hot
I am still mostly happy to be
Alive & in New York
But,
This is one of those days where
My best isn't good enough

I like New York but
I can't say why because
I can't stand the way that
People who love New York
Talk about New York

"Why do you love it?"
"Because it's like nowhere else."
"But you can say that about almost literally
Innumerable other places."
"Hey, fuck you!
I didn't start this conversation."

The day ends and
I still hate horses


The Next Time I Have Seven Dollars (Fourth)
by Douglas Slayton

When I breath my breathing poisons everything.

The white lights burn away to bone lit neon.

Millions of steps resound, held on a string,

looking up and feeling down when you're on.

When I think of your eyes or something new

I see those towers on every side piercing the sky,

with bridges on every shore surrounding you.

I am thinking of you, but it is a lie.

Every night is a different walk now.

Knowing the place in earnest, it's quiet.

We don't talk anymore about when it will snow

or the stars behind the ambient light.

Don't make promises you don't want to keep.

With you gone now, I'm not fucked on sleep.

Alexis Faulkner is Executive Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine. 
Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.
Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

BoJack Horseman Shines a Light on the Horse Menace

by Chris Alarie

The second season of cartoon sitcom BoJack Horseman debuts on Netflix on July 17 and it brings another helping of a deeply flawed TV show that, nonetheless, does perform one important service: demonstrating the awfulness of horses.

The show satirizes show business and takes place in a semi-recognizable, contemporary Hollywood populated by humans and humanoid animals. It centers around the titular has-been horse actor, who once starred in the popular 90s sitcom Horsin' Around but has since seen his lifestyle slowly degrade. The show features the voiceover work of a number of well-known actors and comedians, both in the regular cast and in the rather extensive guest cast.

Will Arnett and Amy Sedaris are predictably awful as BoJack and Princess Caroline—BoJack's cat agent and occasional girlfriend—respectively. Alison Brie is pleasantly forgettable as Diane, BoJack's human biographer and somewhat unrequited love interest. The bright spot in the cast is Aaron Paul—who famously played emotional drug addict Jessie Pinkman in Breaking Bad—as BoJack's freeloading, human housemate Todd.¹ The tone of the show veers inconsistently from melodrama to comedy but does have enough good jokes to make it worth watching while hungover or sick or depressed or something. Also, Grouplove's end credits song is brilliant and catchy. But the show's true value lies in its willingness to confront a taboo subject and depict horses as the wretched creatures that they truly are.

Despite being the main character, BoJack is an utterly irredeemable, unlikable figure. He is self-centered, conniving, destructive, and self-pitying. He is a bad friend, lover, housemate, client, and actor. He just drinks and causes drama without offering anything of value to the other characters around him. He is, essentially, just like a real horse.² It is admirable that BoJack Horseman's creators are willing to stand up to the Vast Equine Conspiracy in order to depict the truth about horses. One can only imagine the difficulties they have faced in bringing this truth to the screen.

While I would not venture to either convince or dissuade the reader from watching the show,³ I commend its willingness to counter the popular, false depiction of horses as noble, beautiful creatures in the face of what I am certain is significant opposition. As Princess Caroline says, after BoJack has predictably disappointed her again, “Of course, of course, that's what you get when you fall for a horse”.

Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

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1 According to the cast list, Paul F. Tompkins plays Mr. Peanutbutter. However, I've never heard of that actor and I don't remember that character despite having watched the first season of the show twice, so I think that's either a misprint or some dumb in-joke amongst the show's fans. Whatever.^↩
2 Aside from all the anthropomorphic stuff, that is.^↩
3 Honestly, I don't fucking care and I doubt the reader would be stupid enough to listen to my recommendation anyway.^↩