Two Classical Poems

april 2nd

by Douglas Slayton

the seasons change their song

as they change with each other

it was a theme played on my palm

running lengthwise with your fingers

held tightly

bowed slightly

Classical

by Alexis Faulkner

Good old fashioned essex station and I was sure a 

Ghost hand touched my head

Then I figured out it was my own hand

And the psychology of me splitting into a ghost to 

Feel my own head sent spinning me into the train 

Gutters

Not all of them are easy thoughts

Unfolding the middle east through fireworks

Because here in the west the explosions are 

Miniature

Ghost once again

Bombs are ghosts and spawn ghosts

A fine mist, really

Eastern corner of westerners mind

Good old fashioned essex station reveals its wealth

To me on this Novemberest of days

M train wretched waiter-maker

But thought blessing it sends onto me this day

Champagne for the cheers and vanity thoughts

Have but a ghost waiting for me

Alexis Faulkner is Unicorn Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine. 

Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Thanksgiving 2015: Haiku

by Chris Alarie

I give thanks for Bart

Simpson & all the other

Simpsons—like Maggie

by Alexis Faulkner

I just discovered

Deliciosity of

Kahlua. Turkey.

by Douglas Slayton

i am thankful

for existential dread and 

endlessness of night

Alexis Faulkner is Unicorn Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine. 
Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.
Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

A Sloppy Thanksgiving Contribution for 2015

While Watching the Parade While Sitting in Brooklyn

by Alexis Faulkner

Today in New York City there is a parade

One most grateful day twenty fifteen

Facts being delivered by one French-Canadian-named person about a parade

Balloon hitting a plane

The peril of the twenties

Thinking about the environment was not a big deal to anyone at NBC then

I did make sure to get cranberries without any dolphin parts in them

INSPECTED

“oh god, is that just snoopy’s head?”

Perhaps this parade is a simple terror

Brussel sprouts and bacon and turkey to come

Comes with worry

My first time

Can’t wait to bite into the dark meat

The man with the lisp on the teevee won’t lie to us about the lions

Syrups and chocolate pieces for the pie delight darkly warming

What a wonder a feast a time for just eating

Alexis Faulkner is Unicorn Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine. 

Two Gospel Poems

Waiting in the Bushes
by Douglas Slayton

with resounding call
the voices ring and shake through
colored glass

it is nothing real
nothing concrete

it sits in my chest like a song
that floats about the pews
caught up in hair and hands
out the door

it will never stay
but reach out for it
anyways

Leaving Something Out
by Alexis Faulkner

Hello dreadful throne giver
Stepping down majestically (sarcasm)
Leaving to take over another operation
The Word as gospel
Hello listener (sarcasm again)
Waving hands around, spreading germs across all surfaces
Words flew
Flying words
Anger
My color check in: Red
Holding everyone under rule in a circle
Sure, it's a strong shape, or is that the triangle
I wouldn't have asked you because I wouldn't have been able to patiently listen
To your response, trust answers, not turn back to red
Temperature reading an unsurprising hot
Why now
This is all really vague
This is about work
I remember the white tiles upon first step
I clomped on them and eventually wore white shit on my jeans
Where my knees touched the floor
The snow I'm so excited for it to get cold again
Sing a song
Twirling in the flakes falling from the sky
The white flakes I love them
The sky The sky is bigger in some states
You know big sky country? Wow, what a beautiful thing about an unpopulated area
Back to the patch of ice I slipped over to work I sang the song
The song sang at me the reverb
It was a pattern or resistance and then a pattern of feed back and then back to observing the reverb
The very thing is about church it's so dramatic
The very thing about snow
It's so beautiful

Alexis Faulkner is Unicorn Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine. 

Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

35 HI film

by Alexis Faulkner

My Important Podcast with Chris Alarie: Episode 14

by Chris Alarie

We have a new guest this week on the internet's least essential podcast (and that's saying something!).





Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.
Alexis Faulkner is Unicorn Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine. 

What Would You Do?

by Chris Alarie

Exterior Park. The SALESMAN, carrying the camera, approaches JEFF—30ish, handsome, and smiling—as he sits by a fountain, listening to music on earbuds

SALESMAN

[from behind the camera]

Excuse me, sir.

The salesman waves to Jeff (his hand appears from behind the camera) to get his attention. Jeff looks up and takes out his earbuds.

JEFF

Pardon?

SALESMAN

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

JEFF

I don't know.

SALESMAN

Would you kill yourself for a Klondike

bar?

JEFF

[chuckles]

Yeah, sure.

SALESMAN

Great!

The salesman hands Jeff a Klondike bar.

JEFF

Thanks.

Cut to:

Jeff is just finishing the Klondike bar.

SALESMAN

It looked like you enjoyed that.

JEFF

Yeah, it was great. Thanks!

SALESMAN

Ok, since we held up our end of the

bargain—

The salesman tries to hand a gun to Jeff. Jeff puts his hands up and refuses to take the gun.

JEFF

Whoa! Wait, what?

SALESMAN

You said you'd kill yourself for a

Klondike bar. So... pay up!

The salesman attempts to force the gun into Jeff's hands again. Jeff again pushes it away.

JEFF

What!? I thought you were kidding!

SALESMAN

I wasn't.

JEFF

Well I don't know what to tell you—

SALESMAN

I had a feeling you would try to back

out. So I took the liberty to send a man

to your house—341 Maple Drive, right?

JEFF

Y-yeah?

SALESMAN

That's what I thought. So, he is sitting

in a van outside your house right now,

watching as your wife, Linda, plays with

your daughter, Wendy. All I have to do is

give him the word and he'll—well, you don't

want to know what he's gonna do.

JEFF

What the fuck!?

SALESMAN

In fact, here's a photo he just texted me.

The salesman shows his phone to Jeff. Jeff, white as a sheet, covers his mouth.

JEFF

Oh my god.

SALESMAN

Yeah. I'm not fucking around here. So...

The salesman attempts to hand the gun to Jeff a third time. His hands shaking with fear, Jeff finally takes the gun.

SALESMAN

That's right.

JEFF

[crying]

I can't believe this!

SALESMAN

In your mouth, motherfucker.

Jeff, still crying, puts the gun in his mouth, and looks toward the salesman/camera in desperation. The salesman cackles deviously.

JEFF

[still crying, words muffled

by the gun in his mouth]

I didn't even want the bar!

SALESMAN

But you ate it, so...

Pull the trigger, you little bitch.

Screen freezes on Jeff with the gun in his mouth. The Klondike bar logo appears onscreen and the salesman joins in with a VOICE as it sings the famous jingle.

VOICE & SALESMAN

[in unison]

What would you do-o-o—

for a Klondike bar?

end

Chris Alarie is Senior Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.