Your Official UVM Presidential Endorsement

by Chris Alarie

Many of you have been clamoring to know where Uncanny Valley Magazine stands on this year's presidential election. Please allow this to serve as our official endorsement for the 2016 presidential election.

On the one hand, it would be easy to endorse Bernie Sanders, whose sane but dramatic, left wing agenda is probably the only plausible plan that any candidate has put forth that would stand even the remotest chance of preventing America from eating itself. There is, perhaps, something understandable in endorsing widely reluctantly accepted candidate Hillary Clinton, as she is almost certainly going to be the Democratic nominee and the final line of defense against President Donald Duck Trumpet. And, of course, our general, default stance on politics is Vote 4 Doug. And we would be remiss if we did not point out that Ted Cruz still has not come right out and denied being the Zodiac Killer. But the uniquely bizarre tenor of this election, as well as the extent to which stakes that have been raised regarding the future of our country, we can truthfully only offer the following endorsement:

Voting is for Nerds.

Thank you and God bless the United States of America.

Chris Alarie is some stupid joke title affixed to Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Favorite Sports Movie

by Chris Alarie

Chris Alarie is Spectacular Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Fuck Tom Petty

by Chris Alarie

Chris Alarie is Spectacular Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

Doug explains El Nino

by Douglas Slayton


When you meet some person with whom you have nothing to talk about, invariably you will talk about the weather. When you talk about the weather lately all anyone ever wants to talk about is El Nino—partly because the media is telling you that it is important and partly because no one knows what it is. Lucky for you on both counts that you clicked some anonymous link that someone has shared with you for this piece because I will now explain El Nino. And maybe that stranger will think you are cool and call you back and maybe someday you will tell your children about how you met their other parent because you read a super informative article on a blog that otherwise actively repulsed you because of its continued lack of editorial direction.

Haha. Just kidding, no one will ever love you. Let’s get to the real reason you are here though: El Nino.

We live in an exciting time. The news, like your depressed friend you keeps messaging you on Facebook when you are trying to sleep in preparation for your big quarterly financial meeting in the morning, never sleeps. Because it never sleeps, there has to be a constant stream of content. But most of the time there is not much worthy of reportage. The news wants you to think that we live in exciting times, but really we do not. Everything is boring. You really should spend less time reading things on the internet and just live your life.¹ In order to support the new 24 hour news cycle, the big wigs in New York sell all that advertising time so that you will know about the latest toothpaste breakthroughs. In order to fill this space between commercials, news anchors are trained to improvise breaking “facts”. It has lead to recent trending topics like the “election”. Easily, the biggest story to come from this practice is El Nino. It began as a simple weather broadcast in upstate New York, but spun out of control when a different weather reporter from Boston saw the broadcast while eating a burrito and said, “I can do better than that!” And did he ever. This oneupsmanship has lead to a rash of news broadcasts warning the coasts of a storm, the likes of which have not been seen in several decades (two, two decades).

Where it is undeniable that this is a BIG storm, it is smaller than the secret storms that the media has been ignoring for centuries (two, two centuries). As much as I would like to discuss the media ignoring the real issues, like other big storms and littering, I can simply say this is a case of the media bias towards certain stories over others.

This leads into why no one knows anything about El Nino: because it is a fabrication. It is a series of loosely connected storms the media is wanting to be a bigger deal than it is, so they can charge more for the advertising during the reporting.

This is a clear cut case of the media using its power to fill their pockets with gold.

Douglas Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.

---

1 Editor's note: this is not true. Your life is incredibly boring and the internet is infinitely more interesting. Fuck you if you think you're too good for the internet. -CA^↩

Ten Questions About the Oscars

by Alexis Faulkner

1. I spent way too much time and energy seeing movies last year to have Spotlight, a perfectly acceptable NOMINEE, win. This movie was well made and well acted, but it lacked any certain excitement. I was fully prepared to be sorely disappointed if The Martian won (I found it boring and the script in particular annoyed the crap out of me) and I found myself disappointed about not being disappointed. So, I can’t help but wonder, why did Spotlight win? What was remarkable about it and what made it stand apart from the rest of the nominees? Was is the story itself? What separated its sincere and standard directing from the inventive and quirky directing of The Big Short? What about the plot and the acting made it a better film than Mad Max?

2. Is there any way for a layperson to know the difference between sound editing and sound mixing?

3. Too many bear jokes on Twitter. This was most likely due to the fact that the bear from The Revenant was sitting in the audience. I was under the impression that the bear was totally CGI, so this came as a huge shock to me. Also, why didn’t anyone consider the post-traumatic stress that Leonardo DiCaprio might experience upon seeing this bear appear at an event that, by all accounts, was very important to him. He survived the bear attack, and was able to maintain enough sanity to continue with the rest of the film and eventually bring home an Oscar for his performance. So, I ask- why didn’t anyone recognize that it would be insensitive to invite the bear? This created to many unknowns. 

4. Literally none of the speeches were exciting and almost everyone appeared to be on too many pills, especially Ryan Gosling during his pre-show interview. While being interviewed with Russell Crowe, Gosling repeatedly waved his backstage pass at Michael Strahan, as if to say, "It's really okay that I'm back here. I have a pass!" What were they all taking? My friend suggested there may have been a bowl of Quaaludes backstage. Can anyone confirm or deny?

5. Too many children. Why are children allowed at the Oscars?

6. Chris Rock, in the middle of making several jokes about the #OscarsSoWhite controversy, basically explained that there is literally nothing else one could possibly think of to ask a woman besides what she is wearing. The clothes are the absolute priority in this situation. Fashion is, of course, a big part of the red carpet spectacle, and calling out the designers who made the clothes is completely fine, but it takes less than 30 seconds to mention a designer and their design. If Chris Rock needs help thinking of what these other questions might be, he can simply reference THE EXACT SAME QUESTIONS that men are consistently asked on the red carpet. You know, questions, say, about acting or directing or whatever other professional attributes involved in the person's attendance of the event. Rock says, 

“Another big thing tonight is — somebody told me this — you’re not allowed to ask women what they’re wearing anymore.There’s this whole thing, ‘Ask her more. You have to ask her more.’ You know it’s like, You ask the men more.Everything’s not sexism, everything’s not racism.They ask the men more because the men are all wearing the same outfits, O.K.? Every guy in there is wearing the exact same thing.You know, if George Clooney showed up with a lime green tux on, and a swan coming out his ass, somebody would go, ‘What you wearing, George?’”

Why did he make a joke that’s been made a thousand times before? And why did he pick on women to demonstrate that not everything is about discrimination?

7. How has Ennio Morricone never won an Oscar before now???????

8. Why was this year’s awards show so 90s? Why feature Dave Grohl and Toy Story? And seeing Leo and Kate together again was devastatingly nostalgic, but now the internet is flooded anew with Titanic references and it’s time we moved on to new memes.

9. Why was Joe Biden there? And why didn’t Chris Rock make any jokes about politics? WHY DID NO ONE MAKE FUN OF JOE?

10. Why did Sam Smith think that he was the first openly gay Oscar winner? 

Alexis Faulkner is Unicorn Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine

Post 100

by the Editorial Staff of Uncanny Valley Magazine

Hello everyone,

Please enjoy this list of 100 things which we made to celebrate our 100th post on the blog! Thank you and have a nice 100.

Sincerely,

Chris100, Alexis100, and Doug100

1. People with really nice hair
2. Spending too much time in the sun
3. Tiny people
4. Troublingly burnt coffee
5. Discovering you have a fortune cookie leftover
6. No, like, really, really tiny people
7. Not wanting to be a pirate
8. Walking through a puddle you didn't see because you are fucking oblivious
9. Electronic portraits of pig presidents painting pictures of pralines
10. An icicle farm
11. Spinning plates
12. Arms
13. An outrageously long line
14. Filthy pennies
15. Whey
16. Mr. Donnie Wahlberg
17. Qualitative assessments of value
18. Personal space issues
19. Doom
20. Idle plates
21. A haircut
22. Formal corrections to an outdated newsletter
23. Mailing lists
24. Color
25. My blue hoodie
26. Spilling most of your water while trying to walk
27. Plato
28. Liftoff
29. Unfulfilled potential
30. Seven
31. Jammed up
32. Entropy
33. Weigh
34. Cops
35. The uncanny valley (not the magazine)
36. Lurid grafitti
37. Inflammation
38. Standardized tests
39. Sore thoughts
40. Doug
41. Passive aggressive notes
42. A stubborn animal
43. Ghost
44. Quietly counting the days
45. Basic income
46. At the gates of dawn
47. The person who coughed on their hand and then went through a door you were just going to go through, leaving germs on the handle
48. Glue
49. Paranormal activity
50. Animals in captivity
51. A real ham sandwich
52. Lust
53. Spelling errors
54. Obsequiousness
55. Energy cheetahs
56. Mostly forgettable movies
57. Loam
58. Uncanny valley
59. The time your teacher called you out for sleeping during lecture
60. Rich, frothy milkshakes
61. Cheapness as a sense
62. Seven cheese pizza
63. A national anthem
64. Cash
65. Four cheese pizza
66. Freak
67. Charm
68. Knowing your place
69. Steel beams
70. Anarchy
71. Speeding
72. Cheap heat
73. Anchovies
74. Amphetamines
75. A swan's language
76. The Pacific Ocean
77. Losing a finger
78. Peculiarity
79. Camping
80. Captain Eyepatch
81. Way
82. Volatility
83. Forgetting your name, again
84. Flag
85. Baseball
86. Second person narration
87. Mostly forgivable movies
88. Karl the Fog
89. Knowing every night could be the last
90. Eight-track
91. Twins who aren't
92. Many cheesed pizza
93. Heat
94. Design flaws
95. G#
96. Diamond
97. Jet fuel
98. Cribbage
99. An obelisk
100. The valley

Alexis Faulkner is Unicorn Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine
Chris Alarie is Spectacular Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine
Doug Slayton is Professor Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine

Perhapsy Brings Honesty With New Album

by Chris Alarie

For more than five years, Derek Barber has been a busy, integral part of the Oakland music scene. He's lent his prodigious six-string talents to a number of bands, including Bells Atlas, Astronauts, etc., Madeline Kenney, and In Watermelon Sugar (my old band), among others. But in revent years, he's turned more of his attention to his solo project, Perhapsy. Barber is preparing to release the second Perhapsy album, Me Tie Dought-ty Walker, on March 3rd. The album, which he recorded over the period of several years with his friend Jonathan Thompson, is a lush, nostalgic slice of midwestern sincerity and musical sweetness. I interviewed him about the album and his plans for Perhapsy.

Derek Barber of Perhapsy

Uncanny Valley Magazine: First of all, what took so long? I remember you starting to work on this album more than three years ago.

Derek Barber: Well, it's a combination of a long-distance musical relationship with my Olympia, WA-based, long-time friend Jonathan Thompson (who recorded the majority of the album and played drums on it) and being busy with my other two projects Astronauts, etc and Bells Atlas. To be honest, there were a couple moments when I considered scrapping the whole thing and thought it may never be finished.

UVM: Who else plays on the album? What was the recording process like? 

DB: Aside from Jon Thompson on drums, backing vocals, and a few various instruments, I enlisted the bass guitar talents of my friends Christian Carpenter and Scott Brown. However, I do play some bass on the album as well as pretty much all the instruments (guitars, keys, vox, etc) which I enjoy doing. The album was recorded mainly in Oakland—drums on your kit at the old practice space, in various apartments, and also with a good deal of help from Bijan Sharifi at Robot Envy studios. He's the guy who mastered it. The mixing was done in Olympia by Jon and myself though.

UVM: This album has a very particular sound. What were you aiming for in terms of production, etc? Do you feel happy with the results?

DB: I'm a firm believer in trying to make the best sound possible with whatever tools are at your disposal. I put a lot of stake though in Jon's magical ability to tweak meager sounding things into a really interesting and fuller musical vibe. He did the same sort of thing with the first Perhapsy album (which was pretty much all-instrumental) yet this time around I kinda wanted things to be a little more sloppy hi-fi. I'm pretty happy with it.

UVM: This album reminds me of a lot bands and styles (post-rock, 90s indie rock like Built to Spill and Yo La Tengo, midwestern second-wave emo, even some mainstream alternative rock like the Smashing Pumpkins)—most of which date from the mid-to-late nineties. I also know that you are very much interested in the popular culture from when you were a kid/teenager (e.g. your Jurassic Park and Neverending Story tattoos; the fact that the album is named after a story from Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark). Do you consciously look back to the music of your early teenage years in your songwriting and production style? Or is it more something that filters in unconsciously?

DB: It's definitely subconscious, most of the time. I've become more and more comfortable in not shying away from influences, whatever they might be. I think that what connotes originality, often times, is simply a combination of diverse and plentiful influences. Because I did grow up with a lot of mainstream alternative rock (Weezer, Nirvana, etc.) that pull towards writing songs with a hook is something I've always felt. Just like how late-90s post-rock was very informative and important to me and my friends growing up — its aesthetic and very climactic way of interpreting and writing music. 


Still, it's been nice to see musicians of my generation steadily become unafraid of admitting the influence and identity they found in pre-mainstream emo. I think my fascination with nostalgia, however, is more based upon the role it plays in social interaction. Usually, nostalgia gets a bad wrap when it refers to an artist who's regurgitating what's deemed trendy or whatever. I believe, though, if you have a strong memory associated with a film or piece of music (say, Neverending Story or something like it) and you find you share that same feeling or memory with another person, that's a powerful and fascinating connection.



UVM: You've played guitar in a number of bands in Oakland in a number of different sorts of roles. You've been a lead guitarist in bands where somebody else is the primary songwriter (Astronauts etc, In Watermelon Sugar, Madeline Kenney) and been in bands where much of the songwriting is done collectively (Bells Atlas). But Perhapsy is your own project entirely. How is that experience different from the others—both in terms of songwriting and the basic mechanics of running a band? Has your experience playing music in these other sorts of roles influenced your approach to Perhapsy?

DB: That's a good question. I really value having Perhapsy as my own solo project. I've been in enough bands and musical situations that when the creative control isn't clearly understood, problems inevitably arise. I honestly think that anyone who does music should have a solo project. Not only does it allow you to get some of the ideas out of your head that wouldn't fly in another (more collaborative) band, but it makes you appreciate those more democratic musical activities a whole lot more. I'm also lucky to have a backing band for Perhapsy with musicians I know extremely well, and are very quick to pick things up. When it comes to rehearsing, for instance, some bands take a very long time to get things together. With Perhapsy, though, I have enough trust in the capability of my bandmates that I never wish to do more than one or two rehearsals before a show. I want the music to sound like its a little on-edge. It's not that I want it to come off as unpolished but I certainly try to allow room for happy accidents.

UVM: You are an excellent guitarist and have frequently performed some pretty spectacular guitar heroics in some of these other bands (we used to specifically leave space for you to solo in some In Watermelon Sugar songs). And while Me Tie Dough-ty Walker is definitely a very guitar heavy album, it is less reliant on solos, containing, instead, lots of shimmering, layered guitar textures, more subtle riffs, and interesting chord voicings. In terms of melody, the focus is much more on the vocals than the guitars. Is there a reason why you adopted this style, downplaying your soloing for these other elements?

DB: Thanks. Well, a lot of the songs that appear on the album were written right around the time I first started writing with the intention of singing. It was an altogether terrifying but undeniably rewarding period in my life as I was trying to figure out if I could summon the courage to do so. I got very little encouragement (even discouragement) in my youth when it came to singing, so I always just focused on the guitar being my musical identity. I have nothing against guitar solos — in fact, a lot of the newest post-MTDW songs seem to be headed towards more guitar-featuring zones. But I think this album is a bit of an embrace and statement of intent when it comes to singing these songs. 

UVM: Speaking of your singing, there is a sweetness and earnestness to your vocals. There is something very midwestern about it. Again, relating to the nostalgic quality of the music, you grew up in Ohio but have lived in California for several years now, and, as I understand it, didn't start singing in public until after you moved out west. How have you developed your singing style? What are you trying to communicate with your vocals?

DB: Well, it's funny, I always wanted to sing. I just thought if my friends told me I should stick to guitar, why would they steer me wrong? Ha ha. At any rate, I like the idea of earnestness and sweetness associated with the Midwest because I think, to a certain, extent, that's true. I think, as great creative minds like Kurt Vonnegut Jr. suggest, the Midwest is a great place to be from. (In my case, the emphasis is on from, however).

I do remember a moment, late one night, in my dorm room at the University of Michigan (where I studied Jazz Guitar and a bit of English) when I caught myself singing along to the closing track on Elliott Smith's excellent album XO. The song is called "I Didn't Understand" and it's just a cappella, gorgeous, and fucking tragic. I tape recorded myself singing it and it didn't sound horrible to me. That was the first moment I thought maybe this could be a possibility. The one friend that actually did offer me encouragement, in terms of singing, once described my voice as sounding like "calm water." I thought that was really kind of her.
 
But yeah, I still have a lot of hang-ups with singing. Before recording any vocals on any song, I have a ritual: I say "Fuck it" and hit record. As far as communicating goes, I can only hope to give a listener the same feeling I get when I hear Daniel Johnston, Elliott Smith, or Bob Dylan: honesty.



UVM: What are your plans for the album, in terms of release? Is there going to be a record release show? Will there be a tour? I know you've traded off between performing Perhapsy solo and with a full band; are your planning on continuing this flexible sort of arrangement?
DB: Well, the album comes out on March 3rd and there's going to be a release show on March 6th at the Starline Ballroom in Oakland—you've been there, yeah? Anyhow, it's kind of a fancy joint now and is a good hangout space for the artsy music kids. I hope to have physical copies soon and if an ideal tour presents itself, I'd be interested. However, I'm getting older now and time away from my girlfriend Maddie is kind of a big deal. But I never thought I'd be in the kind of relationship that meant this much to me, so it's cool. Also, I do like the flexibility of playing solo when the opportunity seems to fit. But playing with the full band is freeing in its own way and usually a hell of a lot more fun.

UVM: As discussed above, this album took a while to make and you've written and recorded (as demos, ostensibly) a good batch of new songs since then. Has it been strange, leading up to the release of the album, to focus on these older songs, some of which may have since left your usual repertoire? Do you have plans to record another album in the next couple of years with the newer songs?

DB: Yes, it's a bit odd releasing songs that are nearly four years old or so. Strangely enough, while I was working on the album, I had serious doubts about the quality of the songs. It's only in the last year, however, that I've realized that I actually like the songs a lot. Not that I can't do better, hopefully, but that the songs where I'm making myself kinda vulnerable actually are pretty satisfying. I think I'm always a bit scared about how my music comes off to my friends or random folks. But finally putting this thing out will be very healthy for whatever comes along next. And yes, I currently have about thirty or so new ones to choose from for the next album. I assure you, sir, it won't take as long to put together.

Me Tie Dough-ty Walker is available for pre-order on Perhapsy's Bandcamp page and will be released on March 3rd. Derek will perform the album at the Starline Social Club in Oakland on March 6th.

Chris Alarie is Spectacular Editor-in-Chief of Uncanny Valley Magazine.